What right do  I have to brag about my life? What right do  I have to complain? When the hurt begins, I would need to fall down on my knees and just cry out to God. Who can save me? Who will pick me up? When it seems nobody is available, who is there left to look up to?
What kind of life do I lead? Where am I going with this? Why is it that I am always having a roller coaster with my emotions? Can I trust anybody? Does anybody like me?

Am I asking for popularity? No. I don't care to be well known and I don't care just how many friends I would have. All I wanna from this friendships is finding someone I can rely on. Maybe thinking too much on my loneliness, I am overlooking the big picture. I am missing something that I am looking directly at and still cannot make sense of anything.
This is a familiar place I find myself once again. I always visited this place and find comfort in broken hearts and betrayals. I find comfort in things I am familiar with. This is my comfort zone and I dread stepping out. I love being angry and proud. I love how it hurts me so much. 
But I hate how it always leave me feeling alone. And because how it usually does, I wanted to be so angry and feeling hurt, finding something or someone to blame other than myself. I don't want to take the blame and fall victim of myself.
Sadly, I am the victim of myself. I am my own worse enemy. This is who I have to live with everyday... and I can never get away from it. Talk about insanity.  Risking sound stupid, I am writing what suddenly happened to me tonight.
I am not sure just how much I am turning to God about this right now. I know I am risking myself into being hurt more and probably getting somebody mad. Because I don't normally think what I write. I just go with the flow. Thus is why I barely have friends; they barely could stand my blunt honesty.
Then again, I can be really rude. I suppose I have reaped what I sowed for over the years. But does the loneliness have to hurt this bad? Does the things I do have to end up like this? It seems no matter what I have tried doing, it always hurt.
Occassionally, I get this sneaky thoughts popping in that wants to rob my life.  Even on good days, those thoughts popped in and made me wonder. But it always drove me crazy. Sometimes I think for a second and sometimes I think for a long time.....
What would it be like .... if I drank the night time cough medicine? The whole fresh bottle? Some of you will think; I am suicidial. Some of you will say; the devil just wants to beat you. Some of you may be alarmed at this sudden comment.
Or maybe it sounds like  I am asking for attention. Honestly at the moment, I am only feeling sorry for myself. I am sure I will snap out of it in the morning once I get myself a good night sleep.
What is happening? What am I becoming myself to? Who am I turning into? Why am I putting myself in this poistion too often, never seeing or learning a way out of it? Actually I probably do know the way out of it but just does not want to confirm it.
I really do have too much time on my hands.