Once saved, always saved? Would God remove our names from the book if we have done any wrongdoing that would prevent us from entering Kingdom of Heaven? Like a friend I knew, she once was a Christian woman but fell into lesbian lifestyle and walked away from God.
My brother once was a Christian but now he began to doubt God's existance. I have known how God dislike the "lukewarm" Christian, does that mean we are banned from Heaven? Now I wouldn't say to go off abusing advantage to Heaven by thinking and assuming once you're saved and you have the key to the heaven. But I only wonder about us who are subconscious of our actions or wrongdoings.
I am always conscious of what I am doing, always in doubtful if anything I did or do was good enough. Before I have believed that the only way for God to accept me was to be at least perfected in your behavior and be cleaned before going to God....
Of course I found out that was wrong thought. I have forgotten that God takes whoever and anybody that WANTS a relationship with Him... regardless of what you are and who you are. Now I am struggling with that all over again. Questioning my existance and the purpose of my life. I am especially questioning who I am. I can never figure out where to put myself in. I am socializing with different groups of people and finding out that I can be just however or whomever they wished for me to be.
Like, say, I go to church... my understanding that I am Christian, I should act like one. Be one... kind, friendly, whatever.. But I hang out with those who are not Christian, I act more like adult in dirty world. I am open minded, dirty and I cussed a lot.
I am not saying I wear mask and pretend who I am around people. They basically know who I am but I have respect. I resepct God's house by being kind and not to cuss. Though I am beginning to wonder how would cussing be the bad part? I mean, God's name is in both way; good name and bad name. People use His name in vain, that's cussing. People use His name in honor; that's respect.
Languages seriously have changed over the years. Damn was meant a soul going to hell, and it was used in manner without cussing. Nowadays it's a common word as "Dang"... It is confusing.
Back to my point...
Remember how I wrote about being content? I have everything I need and wanted right here... I am not missing anything. However, I am miserable. Half of the times. Sometimes I feel like it's a curse being deaf. Because lately, there are bunch of children coming and going out of our house, playing with my children and/or just cuz they could... I don't know half of the times what they were doing in my house or even who they were.
I explained that I didn't feel comfortable having strangers or even as I got to know them, freely coming and going. Or just even if they respectfully knocked on the door and then whoever answered it, invites them in...I feel overwhelmed with children in the house. I am dealing with newborn, THAT'S tough enough itself.. esecpically if I barely ever get a break or a social life. And my children themselves barely listen to me. I am trying to handle that itself and that's overwhelming. It is hard that they barely know much sign and we have plenty of miscommiunciation. And that's frustrating. Itself right there, effect my anger... cuz anger means you're hurting. I have plenty of reasons for being hurt. And the past has nothing to do with it anymore.
Everyday when I feel unsuccessful, I feel frustrated. Everyday I feel incompleted, I am anxious. Everyday I feel lost and confused, I am hurt. Everyday that I feel my children lack of me; I get so angry at myself and wonders how or what to do to fix that problem. 
Usually, every night, I feel incompleted. I am sure that maybe if I had better relationship with God, that I wouldn't have felt that way. I felt imcompleted, because I have no succeed anything in that day. If I had nothing with my children for the day, I feel lost and confused. Did I do enough? Are they well loved? Do they know I care? All the endless questions that run through my mind.
See, I am beginning to wonder what else is going through my mind. It isn't just that one little thing but so many.