Everyday, it doesn't seems to get any better than this. I wrote a long entry last night and it was lost into error of the internet. I loved this verse from Revelation, though I douno where; it was saying about the name found in the book of life. And if it was not in the book, our souls are doomed to hell.
My question about that was, how good and secure are our names in the book of life? Are we always saved once we became born again, despite of our lifestyle or wrongdoings? What become of our souls once we fell off the path of righteous and lived the life God didn't like?
I once knew a girl who was a wonderful Christian [so I have heard but never met her as that person] but fell into lesbian lifesytle. I douno what her relationship with God is like right now but I can tell that He basically does not exist. My brother once was saved but now does not believe in God's existance. However, he explained that he does believe in a man named Jesus once living and walking among us but because of the things He said and done, people didn't like it and we all killed Him. But my brother no longer believed He was the son of God. Because to him, there is no God, not anymore. [Life was tough on him.]
And what of us backsliding, forgotten and misguided Christians? Though I struggled with my best to connect with God and find my place in His hands, I am still confused, lost and uncertian. I don't like it here, I don't want to be here. Where do I fit in this world? Who do I belong? Until one day when I can finally be free from this struggle in my mind, be with God in peace... what is there to do with my life? Where am I going?
Am I really good enough to live this life? Am I good enough to be a mother to my three children? Just because they were born to me doesn't mean I am a good mom. Doesn't mean I am a good person. I doubt I will ever understand God's purpose and plan in my life.
I would like to at least be understanding of what's going on so I can put up with this ongoing confusion. What is my purpose? What is His will for me? I know that I can do my best and still fail. I know I can try doing what's right and still get hurt.
What does God want from me? What can I do to really fully serve Him?How can I really feel completed and fulfilling in the things I do? 
I am both a backsliding and lukewarm Christian. I am lost and constantly confused. I am uncertain in my relationship not only with God  but with everybody in my life. I never know if anything I do is good enough or if I am doing anything that's completing my days. 
Every night, I feel imcompleted. I feel lost and confused. I feel hurt and I am constantly wondering what happened to my days that went by so suddenly.  Why am I never feeling like my days were full? Why am I always feeling imcompleted? It doesn't matter just how much I prayed, how much I tried talking to God, it doesn't matter how much of my doings I put faith in God... It just doesn't matter what I do or what I have done... it is still not enough.
I still don't feel like I have done anything for God. I douno if this life is what God want me to live. I douno if I am missing a major part of His plans.. I don't think I would ever know. Or understand.
What is my job? Where am I suppose to go? Is this it? Am I only good enough to raise my children? Granted, lack of social life with other Christians and church home, I can guess that makes my life a bit harder to deal with. Maybe, just maybe if I had a few Christian friends I can rely on and hang out with, visit and do stuff and have a home Church I visit and feel comfortable with, just maybe I wouldn't be here like this.
Now, I don't think that I am utterly alone. I got friends, so I think. Well, I know people. Sometimes we got together...
Some people are meant to be a loner. They deal with it no problem. I am totally not a loner. I am not asking to be popular or have tons of friends. I don't care for any of that. However, I do feel hungry for company of others. Hungry to have people who share my needs with God and have some kind of support to get going. 
This is no life for me. Being alone raising three children, having no idea where I am going with this or what to do. It gets exhausting. I know and believe in being content with what I have and trust me, I am not complaining about anything I am lacking of. 
Except for support. Except for the company of others. It has been a long time since I find anybody that understand me. That listen to me. That is there whenever I needed them. I didn't exactly come from a great childhood. Nothing out of it has prepared me this life. I never learned how to deal with it. I have grown up alone and abandoned. Sadly, I still feel that way.
I know God didn't abandon me. I know He didn't leave me alone. I know He does have a plan and something to do with my life. What part of my life, part of my writing or anything that related with me have done for others? Have I made any difference?
Does anybody even like me? Growing up, I have had no luck finding anybody that really likes me because, as I am still to this day, I am very blunt and too honest. I am outspoken and loud. It is rare to find anybody that could handle me. Honestly, I do fear of people because of who I really am inside out whenever a true color shows. I try to keep that part of me hidden. That dark side of me frighten me, I can only imagine how anybody can handle that. Few only knew of this.
What becomes of my soul, if I died today? Are those things in my life considered a sin that seperates me from God? Or does He really look into my heart, seeing the effort I am trying to make, reconnectig with Him? It is so hard to understand sin. The smallest thing it effect in our relationship with God, on how it effect our souls. I was raised hearing that God wouldn't allow a soul in Heaven with a small dirt on it.
So many questions, so overwhelming.