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16:24 Pleasant words are a honey comb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Does the mere absence of harsh words make for a satisfying relationship?
There is little doubt, everyone craves relationship. But what exactly meets the need? Is it merely coexisting peacefully with someone, without conflict? I’m sure there’s more to it, because I don’t think any of us is ever attracted to someone else simply because they haven’t hurt us. We don’t treasure a particular relationship because the other simply hasn’t said anything negative to us lately, do we?
Countless stories are told about marriages which have simply dried up, the two drifting apart because they no longer felt in love. No malice, no fighting, but not much else either. Marriages clearly need something positive, beginning with words!
Same with kids. It’s been said often that kids spell love T-I-M-E. But if I’m spending tons of time with my kids yet I’m not building them up with affirmation, we’re just passing the time. They crave positive reinforcement from mom and dad.
Friendships are built with affirmation. Romance is kindled with affirmation. Strangers are welcomed with affirmation. Employees become productive with affirmation.
When folks visit a church for the first time, do we expect them to feel warmly welcomed simply by our lack of condemnation? No, a simple “nice to meet you” is all the affirmation needed to make almost anyone feel welcomed the first time they visit!
Ever heard this on MyChurch - “I never get comments on my blogs, why do I bother writing!” Just a word or two of affirmation makes a world of difference! 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Words are powerful. Not only can they kill a relationship, but they also have the power to breathe life into one as well!!
From my experience, I remember fondly the relationships from which I received ample positive affirmation, while those from which no affirmation was received are either forgotten or are not as warmly remembered. I am also tremendously convicted of the need to increase my efforts in the area of affirmation. With the help of the Holy Spirit I will be reminded to just “get the words out” and daily affirm my greatest treasure on earth, my wife.
To answer the question… “When is silence seen as affirmation?” I’m afraid I’d say never. |
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| To add a comment to "Silent affirmation?" |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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You are a blessing and this post was a timely blessing. Keep doing what you are doing. It is clear you are Led by the Holy spirit. Blessings, Honoray/ Onenine |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Interesting. I went a completely different direction last night. And some of the best moments I remember with people are the ones where there weren't words. |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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True, but let's not forget Proverbs 27:6
" Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy."
Sometimes your enemy can affirm you right into hell. This can come from what seems like helping you out by not holding you accountable for sin, and letting you continue in it. A true friend will hold you up the mirror of the law to show your need for a saviour. I think the key in both is Love. Words of affirmation from love are great. Words of correction from love are greater. At least I think so... I pray that I am fostering friendships with men that know they can rebuke me if necessary.
Good post. |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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| Onenine, thank you for that affirmation, YOU are a blessing!! Norm, thanks for your comment, it resulted in a star for a point well made. Just to differentiate though, your blog was about the appropriate response to hurting, troubled or confused individuals, affirmation is not the same as counsel or advice. Reformed, I appreciate your point. Yes, insincere "affirmation" is really just flattery, and though it might seem to build someone up, if you don't build someone up truthfully, you end up setting them up for a fall. Right? ~mike |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Very interesting post Mike,
BTW - I agree with you on this. I've seen way too many people leave a group or church just because no one said hello or anything else to them, when a simple hello would have made their day.
Randy |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Words alone don't make a whole relationship but nice worlds can sure improve it......this is just my thinking......i am not an expert but i know i'd like to be affirmed more so than condemned. |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Mike,
Great point. I've found that every person, whether male or female have one main need that drives the way they act in relationships: AFFIRMATION. Oftentimes getting nothing translates into feelings of rejection. So affirmation is very important.
Thanks and God Bless,
Brad |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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| Mike, I think this is something that I need to do more of as well. Thanks for the reminder! |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Excellent, Mike!!! (My affirmation is sincere!) :) |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Warm fuzzy for you, Mike! Human beings were never meant to live in a void. It takes only a few seconds to make someone feel appreciated and welcome. You did that for me when I first arrived at MyChurch, so thank you for that! We are all blessed because you are here! |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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| Being a person of words by profession and inclination, I say a hearty "Yes" and "Amen!" Sincere affirmation can change someone's world. There are folks who day in and day out never hear a kind word. All of us probably need to both receive and give affirmation more than we do. |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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| Saying a kind word to someone can break down barriers. I say amen to you Mike you are truely filled with the Spirit. |
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| July 26, 2007 |
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Whoa, a warm fuzzy? Thank you Soozanne, always have a kind word for you! (I always wondered what a warm fuzzy might look like...)
Kathy, Randy and Patrick, thank you for the affirmation!! It is important to people. (me included!)
Jay, how'd I know you work with words. You use them very well. And I am sure you're right, there is a serious shortage of affirmation in the world, unfortunately in the church as well. Affirmation in the church is just plain old grace!
Brad, good point about rejection. The worst is when we are starving for affirmation in our marriages. We expect to be affirmed there, and when it doesn't come over long periods the relationship can really suffer.
Rosie, a lot of people would agree with you about the effect words can have on relationships!
Deb, your comment parallels Jay's, everyone of us could stand to spice our conversation with more words of affirmation.
Sometimes I actually have to ask the Lord to a) give me the strength to affirm someone I don't care to affirm, and b) help me see something in them worth affirming! But he is always faithful. Always. There isn't a person on the planet (made in God's image) who doesn't have something worth affirming, often it's a lot too!
~mike |
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| July 27, 2007 |
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A post inspired by God. Thanks, Mike, for yielding to Him and letting Him lead you. It blesses me greatly. |
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| July 27, 2007 |
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Mike you so right indeed!!! Positive words of wisdom; Words of encouragement;
and Simple words of acknowledgement are very affirming in every way.
And most importantly, they help unite and uplift everyone.
Thanks Mike.
I really like reading your Blogs. They are very interesting.
JR |
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| August 03, 2007 |
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"Countless stories are told about marriages which have simply dried up, the two drifting apart because they no longer felt in love."
R.C. Sproul elaborated on the American concept of love versus the Biblical concept of love. Americans believe love is a passive thing, something that happens to you. The phrase "I've fallen in love" connotates this passive meaning. The Biblical idea of love is an ACTIVE thing, something you DO. Consider the love in an arranged marriage. That is 100% ACTIVE love. Every Christian is in an arranged marriage with Jesus. If we do not ACT, our love for our Lord will dwindle.
And the same goes with loving others. We need to ACT. |
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| August 03, 2007 |
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| Eric, interesting comment (thank you). If you would indulge me, could you please explain your meaning behind "Every Christian is in an arranged marriage with Jesus"? I'm just curious, as I've never heard this before. ~mike |
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| August 07, 2007 |
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Hi Chelsea,
There are some seriously wise Christians on this site, I hope one or two speak up. In the meantime, I'll simply share what God has taught me recently. I need to be more proactive in giving voice to affirmation, especially with my wife. I don't always feel like it, in fact sometimes I really DON'T feel like it. But if God is who he says he is and has done what he says he's done, then I can put my trust in him for strength. SO sometimes I find myself saying things I don't feel like saying and hearing myself sound really convincing... is it fake? No. If I tell my wife she looks really good even while I am still stinging from some criticism (deserved or not), I don't feel it but I know it's the truth!
Perhaps affirming your mom before she has a chance to lay into you might help you get it out there. That may really take her by surprise too. And if you are up front about Jesus with her, then you'll also be witnessing to her about your faith -- you don't even have to explicitly share the Gospel, just let Christ's nature express itself through you.
Well that's a start. Thanks for the insightful comment Chelsea, you really got me thinking! Laura and I will pray for you now...... ~mike |
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| August 08, 2007 |
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Chelsea,
I am not going to pretend to know all the answers, because there are a lot of people who have been through worse than I have, so my experience is limited. That being said, Allistair Begg (a radio preacher I love) once said "When I fail to forgive you, its because I have exaggerated your offense against me, and minimized my offense against God." When we look at how much we have offended our Creator, remembering that the vileness of sin isn't in the degree of sin but in the value of the one sinned against, we should be quick to forgive our neighbors, yes, even family. That is easy for me to say, but it isn't meant to be easy to do. It is supposed to be difficult so that we, as God's children, will appeal to Him for the grace to perform it. If God gave us some task that we could perform on our own strength, it would encourage pride in us and God would get no glory.
Remember the story in Matthew 18 about the servant that owed ten thousand talents? He was forgiven his debt and immediately went and found another servant that owed him 100 denarii (miniscule in comparison). When he threw the person in prison for this minor sum, his master found out and threw him into prison for not forgiving as he had been forgiven. The debt towards God that our sin has made for us is so huge that even if we could begin to pay it off, we never would. But on the cross, His Son paid that debt (forgiveness), and above and beyond, declared us as never having been in debt (justification, declared righteous). In light of that, if we keep in our focus how great our debt was towards God, no creature could ever begin to owe that much towards us. Does it make forgiveness easy? No. But it does make forgiveness possible. Grace makes forgiveness a reality.
Unfortunately, you can never make your mother love you. But, that is also not your responsibility. God must soften her heart, and often, He uses our love towards them to do it. You must ask God to make you love your enemies. We are not called merely to love other Christians. We are called to love the enemies of God. Why?
Romans 5:6-8 (ESV) -- "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person---though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die--- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners [enemies and haters of God, dead in sins], Christ died for us." |
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| August 08, 2007 |
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| Barrett (Reformed), that is a post worthy of a blog unto its self. Wonderful point, I'm honored to host it on this blog. :-) |
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| August 10, 2007 |
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Hey Mike,
Here again you hit the mark. Thanks for posting the link from "One thing" or I would have missed this great little prodding.
You wrote, "I am also tremendously convicted of the need to increase my efforts in the area of affirmation. With the help of the Holy Spirit I will be reminded to just “get the words out” and daily affirm my greatest treasure on earth, my wife."
This is my heart as well. I am far to often holding my tongue when I should be speaking positive words to build my brothers and sisters up, and speaking out of turn without thought in a manner that might bring those around me down. I pray God will convict my heart to hold my tongue unless I can bring peace and blessing to those around me.
Thanks once again for your Spirit inspired words,
peace out,
glenn |
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| August 10, 2007 |
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| Glenn, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I truly enjoy reading every comment you write on our blog. As for the area of affirmation, I'm so glad the Spirit spoke to us both! ~mike |
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| August 10, 2007 |
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| Great reminder about our children viewing love as time& if we aren't affirming them while we spend lots of time with them then we are just passing time.With less than 2 weeks until school starts,I don't feel like I'm being too affirming lately.Thanks for the reminder.I needed that. |
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| August 12, 2007 |
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"Does the absence of harsh words make for a satisfying relationship?" What about the flip side: "Does the presence of harsh words make for an UNsatisfying relationship?" Define "harsh" -- it could take either it's contrived meaning that includes malicious intent or the more general meaning of "something uncomfortable". In terms of your post, it looks like you actually used both meanings blended together, which is commendable -- but then again we've watched your wisdom and insight grow so much, even in the relatively short time I've been here, and I'm getting "used to" your commendable-ness. :) If absence of harsh -- meaning "not always comfortable" -- words would constitute a satisfying relationship, unfortunately Mike we're never going to be satisfied together, as your words aren't always comfortable to me, more mine to you I'm sure. Praise God we can be satisfied in discomfort! Vengeful, seemingly attacking words can obviously be painful and cause a strong desire to separate from the one doing the attacking, but Scripture would sincerely prod us to stay engaged, to pray for the one despitefully using us, and to show love to the one who is having so hard a time showing love to us. It's always more different when it's at home than it is when it's at work or at school, simply because you can't "go home at the end of the day" to flee for sanctuary. But the call to love is still just as strong at home as it is at work, school, vacation, or wherever. I wish that Chelsea's situation was rare, but sadly too many times nowadays it's not as rare as we think. Chelsea, I know that many here will be praying for you in your situation (as will I), but I just offer you those words of encouragement and exhortation, that regardless of what category you think you fall into on someones "conflict-o-meter", Jesus desires that you love others in the same way that He loves you -- not just unconditionally, but also when others are even in the act of being unloving towards you. You'd be surprised how often the words "Jesus loves you, and so do I" can stop an attack right in the heat of the moment, dead in it's tracks -- not always, but pretty often, especially if you have a compassionate and loving smile on when you say it. Your mom may just very well be the most prominent person in your own mission field. Remind yourself that Jesus died for you and loved you when you were ungodly and hateful and against His plan and purposes, but He still chose to love you. That should humble you, which in turn will make it far easier to make the choice to love her, and anyone else, in the same way. Love and Prayers,
jason |
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| July 22, 2008 |
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| “When is silence seen as affirmation?” I’m afraid I’d say never" Mike what an awesome statement. Thanks once again for sending me this link. Alrighty then I guess I wont beat myself up too much haha. Bless you brother. =0) |
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