I came in here not having a clue what to write. It is one in the morning and it's not because I cannot sleep but I don't want to go to sleep. I was sleepy a few hours ago and thought for a change I will be able to get my sleeping pattern back on track.
But I thought wrong. I have hoped sleeping so early in the night and getting up with the children for school would have got me back on track. For a while though, I managed to do what I have wanted in my sleeping pattern. But that one failed. Sorely.
I still question God's purpose in my life. I wanted to see the clear answer so I could understand. I wanted to see the plan so I would know where to go. But I know that things won't always go the way I wanted. So, I won't complain.
I know that I should put myself through seeing a doctor to maybe to help fix this problem. Maybe it's due to lack of healthy sleep. Maybe it's due to bad eating habit. I have always had eating disorder. With that, it never helped with my mental health.
What really separate you from God? When you really bow down and repent, but still feel disconnected, what is keeping you from God? Yes, I am applying this to myself. Though I will admit there's faults and mistakes I am committing repeatedly, but I know that even if I have repented and gave up into God, I will still feel disconnected. I have been feeling so far behind and lost from God that I no longer can feel Him around.
The other day, a friend came by visiting. We actually had a great conversation about God and our relationships with Him. It felt good and so nice to be able to discuss about God in my life and my relationship. Only if there was more to it. I felt like the stuff I shared with her was nothing but old news.
The local church I was invited to go to is having a new pastor now. I would pray and hope that this could be the one. The one where I can finally repent and change, moving on from the past I have held onto for too long. I really want to raw my knees and reach out to Heaven. I really want to bare out my soul and scream out His love and cry in His presence. I really want to be lost in His light and be nothing but everything that He see in me. I wanna be able to rip myself apart and fall apart in Him. I hate this feeling of loneliness and lost. Like He is so far away and I cannot reach Him. I wanna be able to feel Him holding me.
The purpose of this life... makes me question the reason of who I am. What have I become? Is this it? Is this all I am going to get out of my life? Is it enough if I am not content? Granted, I am really happy with what I have... actually let me rephrase that.... I [know I should] be happy. But I am not allowing myself the freedom of feeling grateful. It seems forbidden in my mind.
You know, Toby Mac is my all time favorite singer. Originally he came from DcTalk and they have been my favorite band. I listened to their cd's all the times. I tried collecting all there is to them. But then I discovered they have broken up and formed on their own individually. However, listening to few cd's from Toby Mac have really inspaired me time to time. I love his music. I love music of all kinds. I fell in love with this one song called, "Draw Me Close" by Katrina. Oh, that have hit the spot. So many songs, I have wanted to express badly. So many things I want to express through my life and sayings.
I want people to understand me. I don't want people to just know me. I want them to see me. Not just look at me. I want them to hear me, not just listen to me. My life means something and it means something to YOU. Would you listen? Would you try to understand?
I feel like my time is running out. I am losing grip on this world. Not that it's that important to my soul. But my mind, it is going crazy. And that, I can safely assume, is not healthy way to live, even if this is a short life. I believe that God would want us to be healthy at least to live a normal life. Not insanity running and controling the way we live.
I just wish there's a discussion I can be part of about this. About God.. I don't need just to go to church and learn but also to talk about our experinces and our lives at how it relates with God. So much like that.