What is the cause of wars and fighting among you? is it not in your desires which are at war in your bodies? You are burning with desire, and have not your desire, so you put men to death; you are full of envy, and you are not able to get your desire, so you are fighting and making war; you have not your desire, because you do not make request for it. You make your request but you do not get it, because your request has been wrongly made, desiring the thing only so that you may make use of it for your pleasure. O you who are false to God, do you not see that the friends of this world are not God's friends? Every man desiring to be a friend of this world makes himself a hater of God. Or does it seem to you that it is for nothing that the holy Writings say, The spirit which God put into our hearts has a strong desire for us? But he gives more grace. So that the Writings say, God is against the men of pride, but he gives grace to those who make themselves low before him.
Consciously, I was always aware of God's warning for whenever I rose up for a fight. My pride burn along with the anger that I ignored the warning that rang loud and clear. The red flag rising in my vision, which I ignored, as well but have grabbed head on and broke the deal.
I was angry. Indeed, it is partly because of the flesh that have a burning desire for something that it cannot have. Yes, I know the sin of hurting. I know the pain of commiting the crime. On I went, fighting because of the anger that dug so deep, leaving a huge hole that could barely be covered.
My shame of having defeated by anger and pride, I bury myself from God. My shame burn my hurt and gives me a desire to hide, fade out of existance. Whenever things aren't going how I wished for it, I wanted to run away.
I wanted to disappear. I feel as if the whole world knew of my circumstances. My pain, my sorrow, my shame, my problems and so on.
When I knew a fight was coming because of the anger and pride that ate my righteous mind, I fight like crazy. I get on until either I win or exhausted.
But usually, I get defeated by exhaustion. I never win. Still my pride want to keep going. I never want to step down and give up. I made a mistake and it embarrassed me, thus I become too proud to apologized.
Though I am struggling into allowing GOD control me. Allowing God to guide me so I can have simple life. Actually at the moment, my life is "perfect" with plenty of flaws. We are not having any issues that we cannot handle.
Compare to some, my life seems to be pretty good. No reasons to be ungrateful, no reason to be demanding, either. I have all that I want and I have all that I need. For the time being, I don't have anything that I need or want. Things are well. Life is well. My children are wonderful. My family are good.
And it is because God blessed me, though I swear He shouldn't have. However, I am not going to complain and instead, I am gonna be thanking Him for a lot of things. Even if it's bad things.
Because knowing the bad things that happened, there will always something good coming out of it.
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