I’m born again! So glad to be born again, by the will of God, by His call. He was always there.  He planned it out, He knew the day that He would come and give me a first touch! 

I love you my Lord, even now, this day, when I am pouting, have been pouting for a good month plus. I love you. I know its senseless to pout. To be angry with you. Still, still..

 

I need a touch Lord,  it seems unfair sometimes.. that you come – lay your hands on me.. and your glory passes through me sending waves through me.. weakening me in a wonderfully joyful, peaceful state of weakening. But then, like a whiff of wind, your gone. And I need to live out my days on the remembrance and knowledge of that one special touch.!  I know even as I speak it Lord, that this is not entirely true.

 

You’re there. When I faithfully come to you, when I am passionately pursuing you, and then lay out my requests.. there you are! Through scripture you speak, clearly, awesomely. Awesome, because you make it so-oo apparent in the scripture you place in the front of my eyes, that you are giving me direct answer.  More than this, you confirm twice over, that I may know that I know!

 

Still, the unexpected happens.  Oppression needs to be lived out, passed through… while I wait on you. And then, when I think I’ve seen deliverance, when I’ve praised you for deliverance… punch! Punch! I thought I was seeing complete turn around to the oppression when you removed the oppressor.. I thought that your we’re restoring all things… but instead.. instead! Doesn’t your scripture tell me Lord, “You will no longer be shamed!

 

I am speaking of a story that is now over 1 year old since that surprising punch came Lord.  I humbly took the blow. Continued in my work, continued to come there, grasping on to the joy of the Lord.  As best I could with that smile you’ve given me to give! As best I could with a dancing step!  But I noticed that the original song I had in me when I first came to this place of employment, was weakened. I noticed that I was tired.. tired by the oppression, and what seemed unfair results.. when I was passed over.  Unfair, when I was in all practical sense told, I love the cockroach more than I love you, denise!   That is how I read what was said Lord, by her whom I respect, whom I admire in her giving, who replaced the oppressor, and through whom I thought you would give full deliverance. Not another blow!

 

Was it really a humbling, that I kept silent, and continued on?  Since I can see that residue is there.  A pain Lord that has left me feeling weak and old.  I was so pleased and thankful Lord, when you gave me this place of work.  I was so grateful! Saw it as a spacious place, grand! More than I could hope for.  But you knew in advance, what was to come! I signed into work leaving a smiley face and wave for my peers every day! I sang in the hallways! I danced like a silly woman for the residents. I prayed an awakening of  Holy Spirit life every morning on my way to my work.  I prayed that you would show me whom needed a touch, a word of encouragement, a gospel word of truth – and you did so!

 

But, Lord! Though I have been silent with you on this issue, for the most part, now I see. That inside, it has hurt me! I am still pained by it all. I feel my age plus 20! I feel defeated. Lord, now above these things, I have accumulated hatred from a peer, which weakens me more!

 

So, I have been pouting of late! I’ve been staying away from you. I’ve not been able to read my Word. Read ‘you’!   I know its all very silly to pout from my God, my Saviour, my Lord, my love. The one I trust in! The one I know does all things well!

 

But emotions are what they are, Lord ! They speak the truth! Not the truth of faith, I understand, that says, by grace all things are well. No! just the truth of where I am. 

 

I’ve thought I was passing through it humbly, Lord. Submissively Lord! And, that I would come to joy, strength, will, again. But, it was a fool’s gold! I being the fool!

I no longer find it in me to leave a waving smiley in logging in! And though I give still to the residents at my work, there is a lagging in me.  And my work suffers – more forgetfulness, some dreariness!

 

This is the truth of what is inside Lord, that I speak to you today!  Perhaps its what you’ve been waiting on.  Yes, I’ve talked to you some about this.  But today, I spill it out tearfully! Wrenching tears! I feel old Lord. Older than my days, my years! I have thought that there’s a call on me, to move onward into that ministry, you know! The ministry call, I’ve thought I’d heard.. that was to come at a time when I was more aged. Today, I am more aged.  And, I have seen what I’ve thought to be the door opening.  But I feel weak, old, vulnerable, incapable – all knowledge attained to do this work grown stale!

 

I know your scripture Lord! That you use the weak to confound the strong! That in weakness you may then show your glory! But here I am, feeling stumped, needing a great touch from you.  To come out of this stalemate if you will!

 

Have I asked you much! I said, Lord, give me ½ an hour with you… somewhere’s in the 4^th heaven, wherever that 4^th heaven may be? Just on a higher plane, with you! You, speaking to me what I need today.. and your presence touching me in such a way that renewing comes in my bones, in my spirit.  But it seems you’ve said, No! In my mind, I’m thinking ½ an hour to me, can be accomplished in a few seconds by you. A few seconds of your touch would be as an hour of time in my counting, that would  renew, strengthen, give me some understanding, return the joy!!

 

So today! I’ve spilled it out. I guess I’m breaking the deadlock Lord! We’re you waiting for me to come to you with a busted heart! Here I am.  I was waiting for you to come, without my need to grovel, Lord! To come because you love me! To come because you know my pain! To come, without my needing to ask – to be my knight in shining armor!

 

I’m sharing this Lord! With my sisters and brothers! I pray that they will not come with accusations, and with reprimand, and with correction.  It is from you personally that I need these, if it is what you will give me! Then, even then… I will know your love.  Because every word, every touch from you… whether it comes with correction, or with a grand hug and kiss Lord… it stirs me with love! I just need you to touch me Lord, once again, in that grand way that you do… in that fleeting way that you do… that I may have a revival for a time, and a time and a half!

 

Let no one Lord come full of  holy righteousness, white washed, to correct me! I’m pouring this out to you! But I’m pouring it on the blog… that it may be my outcry, and the outcry of all those who have stifled this very cry too! I pray that I’m breaking the deadlock Lord. Caused probably only by my silent pouting! I’m taking a moment out of pouting, to cry out to you! Will I then return to pouting.. or will you come, with renewing in your wings?! / Show me your love today Father! I need you! I need your strength! I need to have a touch of your love. 

 

My father that you gave me on this earth, Lord, bless him, he has been a good dad and I loved him and respected him, and wish to even say I love him and respect him though he has passed on… but this earth father in his own broken self did not know how to give consolation, hugs, eye glances of love that renew the heart! But you… you are God… will you not plant your eyes upon mine… your hands upon my shoulders… and in this… completely undo me Lord, and melt me Lord.. melt me into exquisite giving love that will reach out to others with renewed strength and power in your name!

 

I call on you Lord! Let my calling out break the deadlock! I want to serve you in the love I have for you. I want to glorify your holy name, and be all that you desire to see in me. I want to flow easily in the Holy Spirit within. Come Lord! Do not be silent! Must I really grovel for your attention?!  In Christ, your child.

I've posted it here, Lord! It will be our cry in unison, but singularly.. those who are also feeling deadlocked!