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| Facing Tragedy |
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Intellectually, I understand that in this world we will have trouble. I fully accept that God has overcome this world that brings us trouble. I trust He is bigger than any pain, loss, injury or anything else we will ever encounter.
At least, I believe this until I actually have to put my belief into practice. Then we enter a whole new ball game; especially when children are involved. Hey, strike me with lightning, turn all my friends against me, fill me with illness. Just don't do it to my child or someone else's, Lord.
A few years ago, such a tragedy struck my church family. We watched, prayed and believed God for a miracle, but a little 9-year-old boy fought and lost a 2 year battle with brain cancer. The night he slipped into his final coma I told God if He didn't heal this boy, I would never speak to him again. Instead of healing him, he ended this baby's suffering by taking him home to heaven. Please don't talk about "ultimate healing." I hate the term because it belittles my heart's cry for this little boy. It might bring comfort to others, but for me it is just word manipulation. God knew the healing I prayed for and wasn't the "ultimate" kind. I honored my promise and didn't speak to God for a very long time. How could this God who formed the Heavens and Earth, who gave us life simply with His breath, who parted the Red Sea, who placed a child into the womb of a virgin, who raised Lazarus from the dead, who created multiple languages in an instant, how could he let an innocent boy suffer and die? I know disease and death is the result of the sin we introduced to this planet of our own free will as human beings. I accept this. It is the suffering that I could not -would not- forgive God for allowing to happen to this boy. He can do anything, yet He stayed silent. So, I gave Him the silent treatment right back. I didn't talk to Him, I didn't read my Bible. I showed up at church because it was the right thing to do, but I was an empty shell.
The problem arose when I couldn't NOT talk to Him anymore. He has always been the one I turned to; I had nowhere else to go. So, I started chewing Him out. I accused Him of every mean thing I could come up with and a couple I had only read about. For weeks every word I uttered to Him was filled with rage and sarcasm. Guess what? He didn't strike me dead and I was not able to unseat Him from His throne. When I ran out of mean things to say, I ended up at the same place where I started. In this world we will have trouble, I had watched the worst trouble I had ever witnessed unfold in my own church family. The part B of that verse was what I could not accept. Has He, really, overcome the world? If so, He didn't take the rest of us along for the ride, that's for sure.
That's when Jesus did what he always does. In His infinite mercy, he stepped into my pain and threw me a rope. I am a great book lover and find myself wandering through book stores whenever I am in need of comfort (or entertainment). During one of my wanderings, I saw a tiny book on a shelf. All I could see was the spine, so how I was drawn to it is a divine mystery. I pulled it off the shelf, bought it and took it home. It was like God was holding up a light on all the pain I had poured out to Him. I sobbed reading the first couple of chapters. This book lovingly walked me through every ugly, self-serving thought I had allowed to have free reign of my mind for months. It told the story of a grieving man who could find no way out of his pain. True to His character, God showed up and walked this man through a path of healing that gave him a reason to hope again. As I read, I found myself walking down the same path as the main character. I could feel the Lord's compassion as the writer was able to craft a story with words that finally gave me a reason to open my heart to Jesus again.
What amazes me is He found me at my lowest point and used the only thing He knew would reach me, the written word. I had turned away from scripture, wouldn't seek wise counsel, and had shut myself off from the Holy Spirit. But I need to read like some people need water. He knows that about me and met my need at the only place I would receive it. Even when I didn't think I could ever speak lovingly to Him again, He took the time to find a way to reach me, to speak to me, to help me find my way out of a very dark place. He restored my hope when I thought there was no hope.
"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest, who have no hope." I Thess. 4:13
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11, read the whole chapter.
Over the course of the past few days, more tragedy has unfolded around me. It has also unfolded around friends I have only recently met. It is unfolding around the world constantly. It can be very easy to become discouraged. This time, I am holding tight to the hope I have in Christ. I may never know why suffering and death have to occur to the innocent, but I trust God's Word. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He never leaves or forsakes the suffering, either. He has firsthand experience with suffering, too. The boy who died three years ago and the boy who died Sunday are both celebrating in Heaven. I know Jesus never left their side. I won't pretend to understand the pain of parents having their babies ripped away from them, but I trust God will walk them through this minefield of grief and meet them wherever He needs to meet them to get them safely to the other side. He is faithful. I'll keep holding on. |
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Here's some information about the book I mentioned if anyone is interested:
Room of Marvels by James Bryan Smith
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Deb |
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August 08, 2007 at 10:39am |
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| This is a great blog Soozanne. It is heartfelt, and I know I have also been where you were. I never understand the senseless suffering of people on this earth, and why God, when He is so powerful, cannot do something. It is a process of learning and maturing in Christ, when slowly, over time, we come to understand that God doesn't abandon us in trouble, but is there in the midst of all of it. If we remember that the worst day of His life is the day His son died on the cross, and He did nothing to stop it, that there must be an awfully good reason to let the bad happen right along with the good. Romans 8:28 is my motto in life, and it is what I hold to when I don't understand the bad stuff that happens. |
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ali |
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August 08, 2007 at 11:11am |
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| wow...Amen sister. |
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