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| Why Friendship Matters More Than Ever As We Age |
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| Why Friendship Matters More Than Ever As We Age By Kim Droze, Special to LifeScript Sunday, August 5, 2007 The merits of female friendships are pretty well-established. Not least of which, who else will give you an honest opinion about your new hairstyle? However, many women find that their friendship circle shrinks as they get older. The pressures of parenting, work and spouses can leave little time for female bonding. Pam Farrel, a motivational speaker and author of the new book Fantastic After 40! (Harvest House, 2007), says friendship is a necessity through every phase of our lives. Here, she talks with LifeScript about her new book, how to keep friendships going and why “P.A.L.S.” have a place in everyone’s life… Many of us take friendships for granted. But lasting relationships provide more than someone to lean on when the going gets tough. In addition to the emotional benefits, camaraderie actually boosts your physical health. Scientific research has shown that female friendships help stave off disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol. In other words, friends don’t just enhance our lives – they extend them. Ironically, a study conducted by Duke University and the University of Phoenix last year revealed that Americans have fewer friends than they had two decades ago. In fact, the number of people who reported having no one to discuss matters with had nearly doubled to 25%. And even if you’ve got the greatest family in the world, you still need friends, Farrel says. A Shoulder to Cry On In her new self-help guide, Fantastic After 40!, Farrel shares 40 ways to create a fulfilling future for women entering midlife. Among the most important: Make and keep friends. Farrel realized the importance of having a strong social network when crisis struck in her own life. In a two-week period, her husband fell ill, her brother had a heart attack and all three of her teenage sons suffered significant football-related injuries. One ended up in intensive care for eight days. “I had girlfriends who would come over … and clean the house, do the laundry and run other errands,” Farrel recalls. “They picked up my life and carried it for a few weeks while I needed to be with my family.” The Importance of P.A.L.S. Farrel encourages women to focus on being a good friend by following the P.A.L.S. acronym – prayer, affirmations, loyalty, and sincerity. Whether you’re religious or not, there are a few simple ways to be a good friend… and make new ones. 1. Lend a helping hand. If you know a friend of yours has a busy weekend or a big project due at work, do something special to ease her burden. Do a grocery run for her, host a drop-off playdate at your place so she’ll have a few kid-free hours or simply leave an encouraging message on her answering machine. After the frenzy, take her out for a drink or dinner so she can decompress – and vent, if needed. 2. Share your expertise. Maybe you’re good at designing or accounting or nutrition. Offer your knowledge to improve her life. If she’s always griping about her messy closets or kitchen cupboards and you’re an organizing whiz, why not volunteer to spend a few hours cutting through the clutter for her? (Just be sure to do it tactfully. Well-intended offers to “help” can come across as criticism if you’re not careful.) 3. Celebrate achievement. Many women (and men) get competitive and jealous in midlife. A true friend celebrates her pal’s raise or new car rather than comparing it to her own. A true friend cries with you and throws confetti when something good happens. 4. Believe in her dreams. Support her in new adventures and causes. Whether she’s going back to school, starting her own business or joining a charity organization, help in tangible ways. Be a sounding board and encourage her to tell you about the project. Ask questions that show you’re interested in what she’s doing, and praise her for taking the initiative to do something new. 5. Be her support group. Midlife is the most common time for couples to divorce, and it often brings tense moments to a marriage. Be there to calm your friend and to listen if she’s enduring marital strife. Share the name of a counselor if it’s an avenue she and her husband are considering. Most important, don’t shrink from the friendship out of fear that you’ll add to her emotional burden or because it’s uncomfortable to be around her. The last thing she needs is to worry about the status of your friendship. Friendship at 40 As women age, we tend to lose touch with friends. At the same time, we are often inundated with personal issues. The 40-year mark leaves many of us facing turmoil alone and longing for a strong support system. Realizing how much women need each other, Farrel founded the Seasoned Sisters (SeasonedSisters.com), a group that helps like-minded women reach out to each other. Today, there are chapters of the Sisters throughout the country. “Life piles up,” Farrel says. “Kids are graduating from high school or college. Then there are grandchildren. Husbands start having mid-life issues. There is menopause and perimenopause. I’ve seen a lot of awesome women have life pile up on them in their forties and beyond. These are women who want the most out of life, so they’ve banded together to make the rest of life the best of life.” Over the past seven years, Farrel’s Sisters have seen each other through divorces, deaths of children, cancer, job changes, going back to school, seeing their children get married, getting remarried themselves, and more. A Friendless Society Unfortunately, friendlessness is becoming an epidemic in the U.S, as the aforementioned Duke University and University of Phoenix study found. Farrel chalks it up to a fast-paced society in which people don’t seek friendship outside the home because they’re overwhelmed with their own responsibilities. The last thing they want is someone else’s life spilling into their own. In reality, though, friends don’t complicate matters; they provide much-needed support, Farrel says. “When you have true friends, you have women who are willing to go above and beyond,” she explains. “For example, the gals of the Seasoned Sisters group are all committed to being encouragers in each other’s lives. It’s worth the risk to develop friendships, even though you might think it takes too much time. With the Seasoned Sisters group, we have no guilt and no shame. We don’t keep track of who did what for whom last. If we don’t talk for several weeks, nobody gets bent out of shape. We’re committed to being low-maintenance friends in each other’s lives. We just pick up where we left off.” What’s more, according to Farrel, having good friends tends to improve the relationships women have with their families. “Family is a vital priority. Friends should never come to a place where they interfere with family. Good friends already know that and want to be there to strengthen the family,” she says. Where Friendships Grow Not sure how to make friends at this stage of the game? Visit Farrel’s Seasoned Sisters website (SeasonedSisters.com) or start a friendship circle in your community. Other options: join a book club, take a class at a community college, volunteer at a local museum, or join a committee at your kid’s school. The goal is to find and meet other people who share your interests. Stressed about facing 40, 50 or 60? For many women, these years are “a great time to do all of the things you’ve been putting off for the last fifteen to twenty years while raising your family,” Farrel says. “Take an art class, learn to be a writer or do anything else that’s interesting to you. When you take on a new adventure, you’ll make new friends.” Want to learn more? Get your own copy of Fantastic After 40! Are You a Fair-Weather Friend? A true friend will always be there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and health. But are you the type of friend who will stick around when stormy weather approaches, or are you ready to split when there’s rain the in the forecast? Take this friendship quiz to find out now if you’re a fair-weather friend. |
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| August 08, 2007 |
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| August 08, 2007 |
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MY BEAUTY LADY
Hope" is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops—at all And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard And sore must be the storm That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm I've heard it in the chillest land And on the strangest Sea Yet, never, in Extremity, It asked a crumb—of Me. What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare. No time to stand beneath the boughs And stare as long as sheep or cows. No time to see, when woods we pass, Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass. No time to see, in broad daylight, Streams full of stars, like skies at night. No time to turn at Beauty's glance, And watch her feet, how they can dance. No time to wait till her mouth can Enrich that smile her eyes began. A poor life this is if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare.
I LOVE YOU
MAX |
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| August 10, 2007 |
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| There will always be words from others that fit us all. |
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