Light travels faster than sound. that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone wwould try to pass them, six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
The shin bone is a device for  finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right.
I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen aand replaced by exact duplicates.
id kill for a nobel peace prize
57.84% of statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear consience is usually a sign of bad memory
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
Ambition is  a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
eagles may soar, but weasels dont get their head stuck in jet engines.
why do psychics have to ask for your name.
a conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
everyone has a photographic memory. some just dont have film.
he(or she) who laughs last, thinks slowest
a day without sunshine is like, well, night.
when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
if nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
you have the right to remain silent. anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
i wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
honk if you love peace and quiet.
despite the  rising cost of living, it remains a popular activity.
you cant have everything. where would you put it all?
a flashlight is a case for dead batteries
when you go to court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who werent smart enough to get out of jury duty.
why do slow down and slow up mean the same thing?
why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?
why is it called after dark when its really after light?
the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.
doesnt expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected
why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
why do overlook and oversee mean different things?
how come abbreviated is such a long word?
if one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
if you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry?
why is it called tourist seaon if we cant shoot at them?
if you try to fail, and succeed waht have you done?
is it possible to be totally partial?
if swimming is good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
show me a man who has his feet firmly planted on the ground, and ill show you  a man who cant get his pants on.
its not an optical illusion. it just looks like one
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really
gonna try to stuff in that slot?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
"It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four North Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
The silver lining of today's clouds is plastic
Some people's idea of keeping fit is to exercise their stupidity
Never employ someone who has already reached their level of incompetence
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
A picture is worth a thousand words. But it uses up a thousand times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, It would have been done already
Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
The buck doesn't even slow down here. So keep on going.  
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. 
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
 No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
How important does a person have to be before they considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
 If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered.. ;)
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."