One of the main problems I see in people as a pastor is the problem of rejection, or as some call it the rejection syndrome. Once a person experiences a deep pain of rejection and it is let unresolved, it results in the fear of being rejected again as well as feelings of the fear of not receiving approval or acceptance. Rejection will also cause feelings of worthlessness all because the person being rejected didn’t live up to someone’s expectations and was rejected.

Chip Ingram sums up the cycle of rejection in five points.

1. The Message you hear – “You don’t measure up!
2. The beliefs we embrace – I am bad, inferior, unwanted, and unworthy of love.
3. The pain we feel – isolation, abandonment, self doubt, self hatred
4. The games we play – We learn denial, withdraw, manipulation, we attack and pretend etc.
5. The message we send – We don’t measure up!

To sum up Ingram’s cycle, the person who is has experienced rejection is left with feelings that they don’t measure up. This results in them embracing beliefs that they are inferior or unwanted. These beliefs then produce emotions of abandonment, self doubt, and self-hatred that can cause the rejected person to isolate themselves. After the pain of rejection is experienced, in order to cope, the rejected person has a tendency to live in denial or withdraw. All of this produces a message the rejected person sends to others that he or she doesn’t measure up.

Furthermore, what I have noticed is that the rejection syndrome is no respecter of persons. It can be experienced by the very successful. As a matter of fact, the feelings that I don’t measure up may be the driving force behind a person’s success. However, when this happens the outcome is not favorable. For example, if someone does not feel like they measure up they may try to place worth in their performance and become a workaholic desperately attempting to create feelings of worthiness. The fallout may be a divorce, a child who experiences behavior problems or a nervous breakdown by the workaholic.

It also can be experienced by those who haven’t experienced a lot of success in their lives. It is not that lack the ability, it’s because they lack the confidence to attempt goals that they might not attain. If they attempt a goal that is not attained it will prove the lie that they have believed that they really don’t measure up.   

I would like to briefly reflect on four points that Chip gives regarding the problem with rejection.

Charles Solomon – “Rejection is the absence of meaningful love.”

Covert – This is rejection that is unintentional. For instance a parent may overprotect a child that may result in the child being left with feelings of worthlessness.

Behavioral Impact – We reject others like we have been rejected

Emotional Impact – Feelings of worthlessness, depression, perfectionism, self-condemnation etc.

The remedy is having our identity in Jesus Christ. Consider the following statements that describe every believer.