From my MySpace page several weeks ago:

I decided this past weekend that I have an eating disorder.  Well, actually, it was more of a revelation than a decision; I didn't sit down and say to myself, "Self, conditions are optimal to reap bountifully from an eating disorder, therefore I shall have one!"  Instead, I was struck with a beam of bright light from above, a chorus of heavenly voices oooo-ed and aaaah-ed all around me and suddenly I was conscious of my condition.

Perhaps my linguistic faux pas ("I decided," instead of, "I realized") is indicative of part of the evolution of this problem.  To say that I "decided" suggests that I had power to make a decision.  As I really sunk my teeth into this problem (forgive the horrible pun), I realized that my proclivity for over eating is often tied to areas in my life where I feel as though I lack power or control.  For instance, I am constrained from buying a new car right now by my income and my future goals.  Therefore, I am not powerful enough to wield money indiscriminately.  So I eat three double stuffed burritos.  Or perhaps I visit a friend's beautiful home and find myself envious of his/her status in life but also, almost subconsciously, am aware that I cannot change my own status instantly.  I am powerless to keep up with the Joneses so I eat a salad slathered in high calorie dressing (which is necessary to make all of those vile vegetables palatable!), a 20 oz prime rib steak with a LOADED baked potato (extra sour cream and cheese of course!) and chocolate lava cake.  I satiate myself with food rather than contentedness.

So back to the heavenly voices and beams of light…Sunday afternoon my wife was at a baby shower and other circumstances required that I remain in the York, PA area until the shower had ended.  So naturally, I went to car dealers looking at all of the new models that induce an almost primal urge in me to spend more money than I make just to own them.  It was a safe adventure because it was Sunday afternoon and the dealerships were all closed so there was no chance that I could have been blinded by my greed and done anything stupid.  But it was thoroughly depressing none the less because I realized that I need to pay off my current vehicles (2.5 more years) AND drive them for another 5 years while saving the car payment in  savings account so that I can do the financially responsible thing and pay cash for depreciating investments such as cars.  The mathematician in me did the calculation.  That means that in 2014 I can buy my next cars.  When I am 36 years old I can buy another car responsibly!  Well, to say the least that was depressing for someone like myself who adores fine automobiles.

Then I went shopping for some new pants.  I desperately need new pants for work.  So I went to a regular, mainstream store to acquire these coverers of naughty parts.  I took three different styles into the dressing room.  As I pulled the first on and felt the spandex like confinement of my thighs and buttocks I thought I had grabbed the wrong size.  However, the tag almost cackled as I looked and saw that indeed I had grabbed the right size.  So I tried on the other two styles.  I couldn't button one of them, the other I managed to button (more out of sheer desperate determination than because they fit) but I knew that one good bend and that button would take out someone's eye as it flew across the room with exceptional velocity.  I stood in the dressing room staring at myself in the full length mirror and thought, "how could I have gone up another size?"

I went back out to the sales floor (after donning the pair of jeans I had entered the store wearing, of course!) and searched the shelves for the next larger size.  I couldn't' find it.  I searched repeatedly to no avail.  I swallowed hard and asked a sales associate if she might have any in the next larger size in the back.  The sales associate, trying to be discrete, pointed to the signs above each shelf that indicated which sizes were available for each style and said, "We carry the sizes indicated here. I can check on any of the sizes listed here for you."  There wasn't a single style of pant in the entire store available in the next larger size.

Mortified, disgusted with myself and dejected, I walked out of the store without any new pants.  The large, yellow "Big 'n' Tall" store sign across the street was almost laughing at me.  I was now going to have to buy clothes from a store called, "Big'n'Tall"….which immediately translated in my mind to "Deep'n'Wide".  I was so depressed I decided I needed to eat a cheesecake to feel better….and entire one.  Fortunately I was nowhere near a seller of cakes of cheese (Or any other kind for that matter).  I sat in my car waiting for my wife to call and say that the festivities were over.  All I could think about was how overweight I have become…that I can't even buy clothes in normal stores any more because they don't make them large enough. 

At times, my weight was almost a comfort to me.  In high school and college, I used my weight as a scapegoat for why I didn't have a girlfriend.  I learned later that the answer to that question was something very different but that's a tale for another time and another venue.  I now realize that I eat to feel in control and feel satiated.  I eat because I can.  It is time for me to take control of this area of my life and eat in a way that honors the body God gave me rather than abuses it.  I need to eat in a way that bolsters my health for my future.  I need to exercise…gulp…..daily.  I HATE EXERCISE…..but I need to do it.

So, though I didn't really decide that I have an eating disorder….I am deciding now that I am going to stop having an eating disorder.  Here's to the slow road to recovery and the ability to buy a pair of pants at a normal store.