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| Stubborn Ole Mule |
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Since three people now have asked me to give my testimony, here it goes. It is long, and it isn’t pretty. I have purposely left some things out for brevity sake, but to get the whole picture there are some things I just couldn’t leave out. It isn’t anything I am really proud of telling my story, it only shows the Grace of God, and the power of Jesus.
I think my journey has either been really slow, or I had been really stubborn. I have always believed in God and Jesus since I was a little girl, but when we went to church all I heard was hellfire and damnation. Somehow I only heard that God would accept me if I was good enough. Little did I know, God always had his protective hand on me and would accept me no-matter what I did because he already sent his son to die for me and if I only asked he would wash away all my sins and love me like I would have never known.
I didn’t come from a broken home, or an unloving home, just generations of sin that had an affect on us (Deut 30:19-20). My dad was the grandson of a Muslim stow away in a boat at the age of 14. His parents sent him on a boat because he had a fifty percent chance of living, see they were in a religious war in Syria and kids his age were on the front line. My granddad was beat by foster families that raised him because my great granddad had to foster out his children during the depression because his wife abandoned them. My granddad turned out to be an alcoholic, and my dad didn’t remember him being one just his characteristics of a dry alcoholic. My mom also lived in an alcoholic home that was so bad she remembered my granddad selling the last cow to get alcohol instead of milk; they had no food feed their four children. My mom was also sexually abused by her brothers at the age of eight and that pushed her over to the crazy side against sex and alcohol. My dad later told me he was surprised that they had kids at all. She wouldn't let my dad talk to me much unless it was working on the farm at about ten. My mom wouldn't talk to me about teen issues, my dad wasn't really allowed to, and so I felt as if I was all alone. My brother and I really didn’t connect, as he was the good obedient son, and I turned out to be the prodigal daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I have/had beautiful loving parents, they themselves just didn’t know how to deal with a child like me.
I started to go crazy as a troubled teen at about thirteen or fourteen. I lost my virginity because I wanted the “love” of a man and had a constant desire to drink. I just wanted to be someone else, someone other than me. It was difficult for me to get alcohol as my parents never drank; remember they were children of severe alcoholics. But had the traits of alcoholics that followed them without any counseling or loving church. At the age of 15 I had got really drunk with a friend and my boyfriend at an all night party where I was supposed to at a friend’s house. Ending up pregnant, my parents let me make the choice of my first abortion. I was a scared teen, loved basketball and wasn't counseled on other choices. My poor parents were beside themselves, and ill prepared for a strong willed teen. Well that choice haunted me for a long time and started my road trip to hell and back.
After high school, I had five scholarships to attend small colleges around our small town, but chose to take loans out and go to the party university school as far away from home as possible. The drinking age was still 18 at the time. I can't tell you how many men I slept with there; it was just one big drunk. After I flunked out of college, the first time, I took up a nanny job in Larchmont, NY. After 3 months basically got fired because I just wanted to get plastered on my day off. So I came home, got a job and continued to want to get drunk all the time, my parents put me in a mental ward because they thought I was just so depressed about the abortion. The mental ward said I was bi polar. Anyone can be bi polar without God and with alcoholism/addiction problems. So then I came home and got a job and moved into my own apartment as soon as possible.
The years of 1985 to 1988 were really lost years. I did every drug and drink there was available and became a prostitute as I worked in three bars as a bartender. When I became a junkie, I lost all jobs and became a homeless junkie prostitute who lived in her car. I stole my food at times from the grocery store; I stole gas from other cars; I stole showers in empty houses, and finally landed another bartending job. Amazingly enough, the only thing I didn't try was heroin. That was a God thing to save me from killing myself accidentally. The drug dealer who had it in our town wouldn't sell it to me, I met up with him later in rehab and asked why, he said a voice told him that I was just to nice to get hooked on that too. No longer was homeless when I found some friends to move in with, and then proceeded to do what I did but a little more inconspicuously. I actually ended up living in a commune with twelve people in a double wide, only three of us worked. I can’t tell you how many times I should have died. I have been raped, beaten, and left to die. I honestly believed I heard the devil too once on an LSD trip, but that is a whole another story. That was the first time I tried to kill myself.
Well it was one big party until that week, the week I think God had enough and started a series to get me back, tragedies that turned into blessings many years later. First, I broke my back hand gliding drunk behind a pick up truck, kind of like water skiing but in the air. Don't ask I just did. Then that same week was the week in which that one event occurred, the one that I couldn't forgive God for, for a while.
I remember it so vividly, as if it happened yesterday. My mother was hit by a train in her car as she was coming to pick me up and spend time with me, actually do my laundry because I had a broken back. See we lived in a small town, USA 2,000 people or so. There were three crossing across the tracks and only one had arms. Santa Fe was stopped in such a way that it left one of the crossings open, my mom and many other cars went across the tracks as Santa Fe watched. My dad tried to sue afterwards and somehow the tape of Santa Fe counting the cars disappeared. The tenth car, my mom’s, was smashed by Amtrak going 90 miles an hour the other direction. That same Amtrak train killed another couple in AZ. That same train was late and breaking all laws in every state going that fast. The death of my mom catapulted me into the bottle; I couldn’t use IV drugs anymore with the thought of her looking down on me. Although it did kill me to know my mom died, knowing I was a junkie, and all I ever hoped for was to eventually have a relationship with her. I think I was drinking a fifth to a gallon each day, until the voices came into my head. I thought I was crazy. I couldn't be going crazy. I was a national honor student. So I put myself in my first treatment center the summer of '89. That was the first time my dad talked to me in years.
That bout of sobriety lasted 6 months and then I was looking at prison because I had gotten DUI #2 and #3, and driving on a suspended license. So I went to treatment for two months, and came back to live with my future ex husband. That sobriety lasted for five years. In those five years I married my ex, who was a cocaine addict; I just didn't know it until we had a 3 month old baby girl and were going to get kicked out of our house. My daughter was born in 1992, and she became my rudder for a while. I had a miscarriage in 1993. I gave my husband three chances to get clean then after a year and a half we were separated. I was going back to college then too for my fourth time. I also had my second abortion during that time; see my new boyfriend was married to someone else. Then I graduated from Jr. College, sold my house in small town KS and went back to the university in 95 to get my BS in Accounting & Finance as a single mom. Oh did I tell you I started to drink again, yeah after almost five years. It was amazing I did finish college because I almost screwed it up in the last semester and had to extend it one more semester, because I was high on pot and drinking the entire time. I also had my third abortion during this time, because I started to be promiscuous during this time. Then I was fortunate enough to get recruited into the corporate world in KC. I bought a house and started my career, still drinking and smoking pot occasionally. About a year after I was working, my addictions took over and I really started down that path again. My parents had taken my daughter for the summer of ‘99 and I was threatened I was going to lose her for good. Then I almost lost my career too because of calling in sick or coming in high and drunk. I finally asked for help again.
This of course was my third treatment center, but this time I wanted to stay sober more than ever, I was 33, I had just started a career after finishing college as a single mom in 1997, I had bought my first house on my own without a man, and had a car payment, but most of all I had a beautiful seven year old girl. I was on the edge of losing it all this time and realized I really needed to get serious about AA. This was July 9, 1999 and I went to every meeting there was, my daughter even went to “al-a-tot” meetings. I had a girlfriend at work who I guess had prayed and prayed for me, and in October we prayed to receive Christ October 27, 1999.
I remember when I believed the first time that Jesus was Lord and Savior; it wasn’t like there was one great big choir singing. It was like time stood still just for a moment, and I said yeah, I believe first in my heart them my mind, then my mouth. Then we prayed, and then I cried a lot. But I was sort of stubborn after that, I still really didn’t believe that I needed to chase Him all that much in church or in the bible. For me, AA, and staying sober simply became easier after that.
My journey as a Christian has been really slow. It was more about AA and staying sober for at least the first two or three years. But I did completely turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him at that time and was able to stay sober. I tried to find churches that would work for me, but they didn't. In 2001, I thought I had met the man I was going to marry, not. He just helped me through a rough time and showed me I was worth a good man. See I had contracted Hepatitis C through all the IV drug use and went through the treatment for the next 14 months. It really put me close to God especially when I wanted to kill myself because of the chemo therapy they use to help get rid of that disease is a really tough drug. Then after I finished the treatment, he dumped me; he said he couldn’t be a step-dad or something lame like that. That night I cried out to Jesus to take the pain away, the next day it was gone.
I dated again a little bit, but decided to fall in love with Jesus. God put some great friends in my life, great mentors and we grew in Christ. I found a great Presbyterian church, and that was the year the movies the Book of John, and the Passion of the Christ came out. I delved into the word the fall of 2003 and 2004. Then the fall of 2004 I met and married my husband within three months. Who was/is equally yoked with me. That in itself was a God thing.
Thanks to Priscilla Shirer, and her book “A Jewel in his Crown”, I learned how to be a virtuous woman of Jesus who deserved only the best. I only had two weeks left in my “online dating” gig left, and out of the blue this little voice told me “why not”? Well I guess a week before that my husband had briefly saw the television ad for same dating service and his little voice said why not? So I made my lists of 50 must haves, and 50 can’t stands, and my lists of first contact questions, or should I say drillings; “Do you believe in God?”, “Do you go to church?”, “Do you read the Bible?”, “Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus?”… And I was off to the 5 minute speed phone dating.
You know I almost said “no” to him, not because he was a single dad of four teenagers, or that he was in the military. Like I really knew about the military, my retired Lt Col friends at work would ask me, so what rank is he, and I would say, “I think he is a minor something or other”. No, I almost said no to him because he was a day younger than my younger brother, yuck.
But that small voice still said, “Why not? You know he is kind of cute.” So I drilled him, and I drilled him, and out of my lists of 50 and 50, he was only lacking in two: 1) he was allergic to cats and 2) he had a bit of a temper when provoked. But since he was trying to practice his life as a living sacrifice to Him, I could overlook that flaw because Jesus can fix anything right? Ok so the guy has 98% of the qualities I am looking in a man, I can deal with that, but what I really loved about him was that He knew and tried to live the bible and its commandments daily. Now that’s a guy worth waiting for.
So we had the military wedding. My husband and I dedicated not only the wedding to Jesus, but we dedicated our marriage to Jesus and God’s word. Satan sat back and said, Oh yeah, well we will see about that. We had a good year in KS where the entire family was trying to walk the Christian walk, and we were learning a lot from the church and our studies of the bible. Little did I know that being a Christian could be as hard as we were about to go through another trial one that I didn’t almost live through again.
We moved to NC after about a year of marriage, remember my husband was military. Moving was the worse thing ever, I lost my church, my friends, my AA group, my career. I feel into a deep dark whole where God carried me for many months, almost a year. We didn't connect with a church, I tried to read the bible but the hole kept getting deeper and darker the further I fell away from God. Then I relapsed again after almost 7 years of sobriety while my husband was in Iraq. It was only for almost 3 months, but it felt like an eternity.
The worse days of my life were not the days before I knew Jesus and lived in much sin. The worse days of my life was having the love of God and choosing to live apart from Him.
I can remember having an entire pile of drugs and saying to myself “It will only take one shot, and the misery will be over”. Then I can remember praying to God, “If I am a Christian why Lord do I want to die so bad?”
My husband was in the Special Forces, and they had their own Psyc unit so I talked to them often. I tried to kill myself many times, and then they brought him home in fear that I would accidentally kill myself. He put me into, hopefully, through the Grace of God, my last treatment center. And we got the help we needed.
He was forced to retire this year. We got the help we needed, and then our family seriously delved into the bible and church with a passion. It has taken a while for our family to heal. It has taken a while for our family to be back where we was when we became a family. But through the Grace of God we are getting better.
Anyway, I know this is long, but it is shortened as much as I possibly could without leaving out the important details of my testimony. I have been a Christian for a short while almost coming up on my 8 year birthday. But it hasn't been a walk that has been on fire until recently the last year or so, more of a walk just through the fire of teaching me where I need to be. I have been a stubborn ole mule, but it is for a reason. And I had to be broken. I am getting old, and tired, and I don’t want to fight Him anymore. I have never had a thirst for anything like I do for the Word right now in my life. I just want to be a vessel, a vessel he can use in this body of Christ. |
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Becky,
You may not believe this, but you have just helped someone get closer to God.
You are covered in Grace, to stand in place!
Pastor Aminata |
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Becky,
You almost got me crying on my lunchbreak at work! What a hard life! Particularly the loss of your mother, you are strong beyond belief to have gotten through that. Thank God for your precious daughter! How merciful he is to have brought you through all this with her.
That is an amazing testimony. I'm praying for you now, that your sobriety will stick. If you were in my local congregation, I'd probably pray for you everyday because seeing you weekly would remind me.
I admire you for putting this down, and I pray God uses it for his glory. We live such a short time on this planet, I'm sure God allows people such as yourself to live through dire circumstances like these specifically to rescue you and bring eternal glory to himself. Compared to eternity, your time of suffering and difficulty is but a momentary lapse. All the pain, all the details, all the lost opportunities, seem so momentous now, but in light of an eternity of joy with God it's all the smallest of stepping stones.
Thanks for sharing.
~mike |
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Becky,
That is a beautiful testimony. There are so many people out there that go through the same things we have been through. It is so much nicer to not have them make the mistakes we have by just sharing our story, isn't it? You a re a beautiful child of God and I have faith that you will stay on his path. You have been such a spiritual inspiration to me and I have only known you since April 2007! Continue to let your light shine!
Candance |
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81 reads, you have a lot of friends Becky. :-)
...or else, someone keeps rereading, considering coming forth with comment? |
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Becky |
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October 01, 2007 at 2:20pm |
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Mike-I really don't see it as such a hard life, others have had it much worse. Many of the bad things I chose myself. I believe God had to put me through so much, and carry me through so much, because I was so stubborn. You are right though, all our suffering is only but a moment in time. If I had to go through it all over again to know the love of Christ, I would. He is so Awesome.
Candance- thanks for the comment. You are an inspiration to me too, sisters are supposed to lift each other up! Thank God he put you in my path.
Mike - I took this post back off of the "friends only" posting. Not that I am proud of my testimony, just grateful of what Christ has done. Mainly I made it public again because a great teacher Pastor Aminata encouraged me to "trust Jesus" that it would be ok.
Thanks Pastor Aminata |
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Becky,
I told you I cry at the drop of a hat..... stop dropping the dang hat.... sniff,.... sniff...
Love you Podawan
Pastor Aminata |
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Becky,
I told you I cry at the drop of a hat..... stop dropping the dang hat.... sniff,.... sniff...
Love you Podawan
Pastor Aminata |
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Well Becky, I am stubborner and older than you.
When I was younger I was stubborn about me. As I have grown in the grace of GOD I am still stubborn but these days it is about Him.
I used to think I knew so much. And I did. I was an expert on things like marriage and raising a family. Then I got married and started raising kids. I'm not an expert anymore.
Maturing in Christ is not coming to the place where we know all the answers to all our questions. But coming to the place where we know personally the One who is the Answer. What I mean by that is you look at your problem and then wonder what the answer to it is. If you keep coming up with Jesus as the answer to every problem, that's a good thing.
These past few years I have been in situations where I needed to put my christianity aside and deal with the problems realistically. But being old and stubborn I keep Jesus involved in all the stuff going on in my life. And I have seen the impossible happen.
Truth is Becky I have a similiar testimony before and after knowing Jesus. At the eight year mark in a lot of ways you are ahead of where I was at that point in my journey. I have been to AA meetings and always admired the ability of others to openly, honestly share what they are going thru and feeling. I think Jesus meant for the church to look a lot more like AA than what it does. We tend to only share our strengths (put me at the top of the list) and not talk about our weaknesses and failures.
Those new to the process think something is wrong with them because they are not as strong as everyone else. We all have our "stuff". Just most of us are too embarassed to let others see it.
Rating you as a christian on a scale of weak, normal, strong I would place you in the normal range leaning toward strong. I know you don't see that. But when you take your eyes of your "stuff" and just get close to your Father you will understand.
And take heart on my rating for you. I rate you higher on the scale than myself. I easily see you ten, twenty years from now stubbornly encouraging others who are struggling.
.....peace..... |
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Becky,
What a beautiful testimony to the love of God at work in your life. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your heartache. I too know the pain of recovering from the ravages of choosing abortion. My husband and I choose to abort our first child shortly after we started dating in 1986. I thank God for His healing power, no mother thinks she will murder her child(ren). Sooner or later those of us who chose abortion come face to face with the fact that abortion is murder. Then the guilt and regret can be overwhelming.
I really received God's forgiveness for my abortion in 1991, shortly before my husband and I married, when I participated in a Bible study through our local Care Net Crisis Pregnancy Center. That Bible study help me forgive myself and receive God's forgiveness. I think forgiving myself can be a lot harder than receiving God's forgiveness. I tend, due to my perfectionistic tendencies, to be very hard on myself. God is way more forgiving than I am! ;-) If He wasn't I would have been a pile of ashes long ago. POOF!
I thank God He brought us together. I love you!
~Coreena |
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What a breath-taking testimony! You know, it can be easy sometimes, to look at people and think, "That person loves sin too much, loves their life in it too much ... there's no hope for salvation there." But it's simply not true -- and when I hear these kind of testimonies, what better verification is there? We are new creation ... WHO can do that, but God?? I had some odds and ends in my past, but relatively speaking, I believe I was protected much in comparison to what I see from others. God knows our hearts and what it takes for each of us to know Him, and the way He can come into our dirty lives is too amazing for words ... |
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Becky |
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November 30, 2007 at 10:31am |
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A Pure Heart - Thanks and you understand my long struggle to get to know Jesus. I should have died countless of times, as I was a junkie. Yeah I am not an expert on kids either. I KNOW I know nothing and I have to have God parent me so I can parent them.
I hope I can stubbornly encourage, evangelize, mentor others earlier than 10 years from now. Obviously He is so Good to me and I never want to do anything outside his perfect will.
I just want to remain on "good soil" in every moment of every day.
Thanks and be blessed. |
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Becky |
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November 30, 2007 at 12:05pm |
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Corena - you know I was writing about you and the girl with the pink blog when I said others have had it much worse. I also have a friend in KC that was a teenage homeless prostitute and she is a huge blessing to the youth of a large church
Yeah me too poof ashes... sometimes I am grateful I am not turned into salt... God is Awesome to have given us the blessing of salvation to get out of the old testimant.
Restore. yes I am covered in the blood of Jesus Christ to stand in place because I am covered in HIS grace.
Hallelujah |
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Becky |
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November 30, 2007 at 12:08pm |
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Heather - Thanks for reading it. I know it is long, and ugly, but it is Pre-Christ.
I still have lots more to write because God is still working on me through the pain of my past.
YES... even on the electric chair someone can ask for salvation...
HE IS THAT AMAZING> |
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| I wish I could give you more than one star! An ABSOLUTELY inspiring testimony!! HIS Grace IS AMAZING, isn't it!?! Thank you for having the courage to share your "journey" with us. It really takes boldness and HONESTY to be so open about our personal life, mistakes and all. I know you touched many people through this blog. As you continue your growth and journey, I just know your testimony can help countless others, along the way. I am glad you and your husband center your life on the Saviour first and continue to grow in your personal love and appreciation for each other. I appreciate Apureheart for the words, which I consider wise and encouraging. |
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Becky |
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November 30, 2007 at 12:54pm |
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Yes Yahschild - Apure heart is a dear wise friend I cherish dearly...
Thanks for taking the time to read it and if you need to share it with someone someday please feel free too. You also ought to check out Corena's blog about her anniversary. |
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WOW! I MEAN>>>WOW! I thought I had a tetimony! Well, I do have one. Yours is just neato though! I love your story! Now tell the story to many many women struggling with these areas in their lives. You will find & fulfill your purpose when you do! So proud of you! Jesus is greater in you, then any temptation the devil can throw at ya!
XOXOXOX, Shannon |
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Becky |
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November 30, 2007 at 1:14pm |
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Shannon amen... thanks for the read and the comment. I have more to add just not ready to be honest with the world yet.
love you |
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Debbie |
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November 30, 2007 at 8:28pm |
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Wow! Becky that is an amazing story! I will be praying for you, that you and your family will stay very hungry for the Lord and His Word and that He is apart of your every cell in your being, so that to turn away would be impossible! As you can see by all the responses and the effect you are having on others, you have a very important reason to live, as well as all the reasons at home to live. And of course satan does not want to see you live and be a light upon a hill for the Lord, a vessel for Him. Your touching lives! I love it! This has encouraged me to write my story. I will try to get it finished this weekend if I can. Its also long. I know when I tell others pieces of my life, they tell me it encourage them and touches their lives, so I guess I need to dig in and write. Thank you and God bless you and your family, Debbie |
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Becky |
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November 30, 2007 at 8:31pm |
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Debbie yes I look forward to seeing how God transformed you
Thanks for reading a somewhat too long blog that is still trying to get out of the fog of the burnt brain cells and shame.. I will write more
blessings |
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Becky-
I am just thanking God for bringing me to your site!!! I started reading your blogs and could not stop then when I came to this I realized why! What a testimony and story of restoration. Praise God. I too have had to seek forgiveness for aborting my first child, some 20 years ago. I have had to turn to God for a dependency to alchohol and have learned to become dependent on him. I thank you for sharing your story and just what the Lord has done. God Bless and Keep you!! |
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Eliza |
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March 26, 2008 at 8:36am |
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| Wow Becky...what a testimony! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...dealing with child abuse and physical,verbal,and alcholic abuse(some of me and some from my family) the love and mercy of God is the only thing that pulled me out, and helped me to break the generational curses! The buck stops here satan! Powerful testimony! |
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Becky |
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March 26, 2008 at 8:41am |
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beautyforashes - yes it is hard to write and it isn't all there but It does show there is a GOD I was a wretched woman.
Eliza thanks for the encouragement I needed it today. Yeah sometimes you can only just laugh at what satan throws at you.. you know it. that is all I can do these days is reach out from generational curses that doesn't know of the love of God...not the condemnation. |
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Brent |
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March 31, 2008 at 4:55am |
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Becky, thanks for sharing this story. Your story has given me hope for a family member that has been in and out of drug rehab and AA. He was saved years ago and since has had to go to prison a couple of times for drug/alcohol related crimes. Sometimes I think he is going to turn around and follow God and then he choses the drug to dull his pain. I am sure he is in a lot of pain, it is just helpful to hear stories of those that have been in similar circumstances to see their success.
Oh that we wouldn't be slaves to such lies of the Devil! Thanks so much for your testimony. Your brother in Christ, Brent |
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Becky |
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March 31, 2008 at 5:22am |
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Brent thanks for the encouragement. Nobody is beyond hope. See that he sees a psych, He may be trying to self medicate. Trust me I know.
Yeah that ole devil seems to sneak in and kick you when you are down and trying to praise Jesus in the storm. I am going through that right now. |
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Thank You! Becky,
Thank You for sharing your powerful testimony...It made me reflect the more on how awesome God is...Great Is His Faithfulness... Becky Have you ever thought about writing a book? hmmmm:) Love Ya! your in my thoughts and prayers...Preachergirl
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Becky |
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April 03, 2008 at 3:27am |
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| Preachergirl - Thanks. Yes God is awesome. (yes I have thought about writing a book). |
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| Thank you for sharing your testimony with me.....Hearing others testimonies is a huge help. |
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