Chris,
As I read this I thought of Job. It's one of the few books of the Bible I actually know pretty well, and sure enough, I found this:
Job 28:12-28
12 "But where can wisdom be found?
Where does understanding dwell? 13 Man does not comprehend its worth;
it cannot be found in the land of the living. 14 The deep says, 'It is not in me';
the sea says, 'It is not with me.' 15 It cannot be bought with the finest gold,
nor can its price be weighed in silver. 16 It cannot be bought with the gold of Ophir,
with precious onyx or sapphires. 17 Neither gold nor crystal can compare with it,
nor can it be had for jewels of gold. 18 Coral and jasper are not worthy of mention;
the price of wisdom is beyond rubies. 19 The topaz of Cush cannot compare with it;
it cannot be bought with pure gold. 20 "Where then does wisdom come from?
Where does understanding dwell? 21 It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing,
concealed even from the birds of the air. 22 Destruction [c] and Death say,
'Only a rumor of it has reached our ears.' 23 God understands the way to it
and he alone knows where it dwells, 24 for he views the ends of the earth
and sees everything under the heavens. 25 When he established the force of the wind
and measured out the waters, 26 when he made a decree for the rain
and a path for the thunderstorm, 27 then he looked at wisdom and appraised it;
he confirmed it and tested it. 28 And he said to man,
'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.' "
I have to say... it was cool to see you open up like this. I've only known you a short while, and your faith is so strong; your conviction so powerful. You have a gift for ministering, and I've loved having such a strong Christian presence in my life... but this made you more relatable to me. To see that you struggle; that you question; that you understand what it means to NOT understand. I have no doubt that you will find your answers.
I'm sorry that you've had to "lose" one man after another in your life. Remarkable that, with the lack of a "father" or "male role model" in your life, you've become such a fine man yourself. I will pray for you tonight - for understanding, comfort, wisdom... and for you to not feel so alone, despite so many people around you. I can definitely relate to that. Definitely.
God bless,
Kyleen | 
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