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| My Story... |
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I told a small portion of my story in my first blog... When I went to the Casting Crowns concert on September 29th, the words of Mark Hall really touched my heart. I realize that I want to tell my story, because not many people have heard what I have been through. I pray now that God touches my fingers and mind as I type this out.
My name is Christopher Leon, born September 6, 1988 in Tucson, Arizona to Dawn and Mario Leon. I was baptized into a Catholic church when I was very young, because of my father's family's traditions. I grew up going to church, but not in a Christian household. My mother worked all day, and my father worked all night. They rarely crossed paths. In December of 1994, I often woke up to my mother and father fighting. Each night that I awoke I ran in and stopped them. December 31st, 1994 my father said he would be home in time to watch the ball drop with me, but he wasn't there. I waited for him until 2 in the morning, until I was unable to stay awake. The next day, January 1st, 1995 my mother told him to leave, and he did.
The divorce took about one year to be finalized. The entire year, my mother had been going to Florence State Prison nearly every weekend to see Gilbert Rada. After the divorce was final, they got married, February 14, 1996. Gilbert got out of prison January 28th, 1998. He started off great. Taught me to ride a bike, to work hard, never give up, and be strong even when others are not. I was baptized at Church on the Rock, on April 4th, 1999, the day it snowed in Tucson, by Pastor Robert (Bob) Erler. My step-father's pastor from the prison later came to live with us, and brought me up in the teachings of the Lord. When he left for California, everything was downhill from there.After he went to California, soon my step-father started using drugs. Without a consistent influence for Christianity, he went downhill faster than you can imagine. After awhile, he got to the point where he stopped living at home with my mother and I. He was paranoid, which was caused by the drugs, but he also had some reason to be paranoid. Our family was in constant danger because of the mistakes that he made. In middle school, I was self-destructive. I wrote poetry as an outlet, but as time went on, the poetry stopped helping get out the anger, the hate and the aggression. I wrote a poem… Suicide Soldiers… A beautiful poem, yet, it scared me. I knew what I was writing about, and I knew what was happening to me. I had no way to control it, no way to stop it. I was in 6th grade, when I wrote this poem.
“Suicide Soldiers”
Time goes slow,
I wonder when my end will come,
This hatred inside me seems to grow,
Where do these feelings come from?
I slice my arm in hopes this pain will end,
All life does is abuse you,
My sick twisted feelings are starting to blend,
Death is my only wish that can come true,
I don't wish these feelings upon anyone,
Not even my enemies,
Soldiers of suicide speak to me,
I'm not looking to please,
They repeat the truth that I can see,
Hell to the bitter end,
Waiting in peace to die,
Not caring what message I send,
Hoping death will set me free,
You are what you should be,
No less or more than the person you'll end up as,
That is the only person I see inside of me,
I sit and watch time pass,
I can only be me,
As the soldiers of suicide speak unto me.
I was already lower than I had ever been in my entire life, but my life then began to go downhill even farther. Around the same time that my step-father left, many of my role-models in the church began to leave. I never really fit in at the church and with the only friends that I had leaving, I was alone and abandoned. I started to fall into temptation after temptation, never realizing my faults, not knowing what was happening. My entire freshman year I was searching for something to fill the void in my life. I went searching; relationships came and went, but the only factor that remained the same in every broken relationship that I had… was me.
People never crumble in a day… I started smoking when my first girlfriend of high school broke up with me. Soon after I started smoking I started drinking. Then I started using marijuana. Step by step I began to crumble. Inside and out, I was weak. My friends brought me down, and I brought them down. We fell, faster and faster all of us pulling each other down. I continued on this path until December, when my mother found my stash. I went to my old youth pastor’s house and he helped me out. But as soon as I was out of his influence, I fell right back into where I was before. I was back into the drugs, the pain and the broken relationships. Day after day I crumbled into less of a man. Destructive, as ever, I continued on getting worse every day, not knowing the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, truth and lies. I snuck out of my house at night, walked around the city until 4 or 5 in the morning. Destroying the property of people we didn’t like, breaking into soda machines, buying marijuana.
April 2004 I was caught shoplifting from Fry’s on my way to school. After that, I was sent back to my old youth pastor, and I lived with him for a month that summer. I started going to his church after that, and was doing great. But there was always a part of me that wished I was able to survive on my own, without having to go back to that youth pastor, he wasn’t a youth pastor anymore.
February of 2006 I left that church after my Tirosh weekend. I still don’t know if it was a mistake to leave that church or not, God was using me there, and I know that I am being used by God where I am now.
Since April 2004, I’ve only done marijuana one additional time, when my girlfriend broke up with me. But I know that I’m much stronger now than I was before. However, I have so many questions about different parts of the church and some of the traditions that go on. I don’t really know what to make of it. I guess I still need help, and I probably always will. So many questions to ask still.
Slow Fade
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see |
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| To add a comment to "My Story..." |
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| October 03, 2007 |
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Wow. All I can say is wow. I'll write more later... today has been a strange (but awesome) day. You become more and more real every day. I'm grateful for that, grateful that you found your way out of your circumstances, and grateful for your friendship.
*hug*
Kyleen |
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| October 03, 2007 |
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| you are so strong to be able to write this
and you have no idea how proud i am of you for opening up and sharing this.
i love you. and you are always in my prayers.
You mean so much to me, remember that no matter what you have gone through or will go through, you will still remain special and important in my eyes. But most importantly, you are special in God's Eyes.
He does have a plan for you. I can't wait to see where God will continue to lead you.
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| October 03, 2007 |
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| I am very proud of you. This is a big step. Big hugs and lots of support. |
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| October 25, 2007 |
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| "Beauty from ashes..." that's where God has brought you Chris. Thank you so much for sharing your inner most thoughts and your life with us. Don't worry too much about where you are now as God is using you in might, mighty ways to make a difference in the life of the people here. I'm 37 (or 8...i can never remember!) and I still question daily things in my life. Let God continue to guide you and your questions will get answered in time. I love you for who you are and excited to see how God is going to shape you and mold you! Hugs... |
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