10 smokeless days almost.
Current mood: anxious

Hi all;

I've miraculously managed to stay clean form drugs for the last 18 years with the help of Narcotics Anonymous who have adapted the 12 steps used for AA.

The 7th step is "humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings" over the years I've wondered more and more who this "him" is.  As it became more and more clear that for me this him was Christ and he wanted me to give him my life.  I started thinking that would be great as soon as I got every thing the way I wanted it.

Some of my reservations were long term celebacy, as I'm 50 single and poor.  Probably not a great catch.  Would NA and Christianity go along. If I had to give up my involvment with NA do I run the risk of getting loaded.

Any way I've read through the bible about 4 times in various times in various translations. And mostly felt more and more condemmed.  I've always wondered what people were talking about when they talked about relationship.  So I found myself in tears, told God I was a sinner and I needed him. (by the way this wasn't a first except maybe for the tears.

As soon as this happened it became apearant that cigarettes had to go as I was living my faith on my heels, and I was real tired of being a defeated Christian.  I don't really know anything about how one gets saved or is "born again".

I've managed to go 10 days without a cigarette which is a first for except the 15 days I was in the hospital and couldn't walk after I had a stroke.  When I first got clean from drugs I felt like I was on a pink cloud for about 3 to 6 months.  Every body was telling me how much better everything was gonna be if I just didn't pick up.  But giving up Cigarettes has been more of a grind it out type of experience.

Only few people are supportive, my best friend rarely talks to me saying I've become a grouch.  So once again I found myself on my knees in tears, telling God I surrendered my will to His. That I wanted to seek him with my whole Heart. That I really wanted to be done and to be a real Christian.  Whatever that is.

More will be revealed.

Love,

Dave