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| October 19, 2007 |
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Today has been a rough day and it is only 12:01 pm. (SIGH) My eating has already been off and I am crying as I write this. I am so physically tired I have not wanted to get out of bed, but there is so much more going on than that.
First the physical part. I am under a doctor's care for hypothyroid and adrenal fatigue, which means I am exhausted all the time. Most days I do really well and am functional, but today has not yet been one of them. I know that I am getting better every day and there is coming a day where I will be completely well again. I just get so tired of being tired.
Well, the second part is dealing with the grief I am feeling right now. It will be the year anniversary of my grandmother moving to heaven on the 25th and I am just missing her something fierce. She was second only to my husband in relationship and affections to me. Without giving a super long history, when my life was at its worst and sucked beyond compare, my grammy was there--everytime, all the time. She was my example when my world fell apart after my parents divorced. She took me in the year after I quit high school (in my senior year) so that I could go back to high school and fulfill my dream of going to college. She birthed in me a love of reading. She taught me not to gossip, to put family first and to do the right thing because it was the right thing to do. She was just amazing. I plan to post the eulogy I wrote for her on the 25th, just a way to pay her the respect due her for the impact she made on my life.
This year has been one of reflection and grieving as I have had to have so many firsts without her. As I approach the anniversary of her going home to heaven I am just missing her big time. I know there are many of you that probably understand what it is like to lose someone you love so much. Yes, there is a peace because I know I get to spend eternity with her and she is happy beyond compare with our Savior right now, but my selfish human nature wants her with me here and now.
I try to suppress the feelings of grief because I get in my head and get worried about what others will think about me still crying a year later. Yeah, that is part of the bulimia/compulsive overeating issue rearing its ugly head. Writing this and admitting I am having a feeling is huge for me, actually posting it will be even more so. Some days it is hard to be transparent. I know God is working the crude out of me--those things that keep me from being totally free. Now I have to trust Him that the feelings will not overcome me, they are not more than I can bear. I have been so good at stuffing my emotions down with food, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by them. After I have allowed myself to feel what I was trying to avoid I realize God is right there with me. He always gives me a word of comfort, a gentle touch, and let's me know that He understands. Yes, that He even understands. Isn't that what most of us are looking for from our relationships? Someone who understands us and our feelings.
4:14 Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast [our] profession. 4:15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as [we are, yet] without sin. 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
I seek His face and His throne boldly as I repent for the sin of my morning and ask Him to help me through the feelings I have tried to avoid.
Here's my food:
Breakfast: 1 slice toast w/ 2 T almond butter
Lunch: I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies & popcorn w/ 2 t. coconut oil earlier so I am not eating a regular lunch
Dinner: 1 1/2 c. chili w/ 2 T. shredded cheese, 3 pieces of celery
Snacks: 20 pieces frozen pineapple, popcorn w/ 2 t. coconut oil
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| To add a comment to "October 19, 2007" |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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Wow! Sister, the feeling you have just shared on this blog, is a very powerful one, i mean you have placed things on paper that could have been surpressed with other things, you could have just stayed in bed, pulled the covers over your head ,and cry your eyes out. You did none of that!
you took the time to think about your grandmom,cry, think, eat, pray,and all these other things!
and although these things may have been hard for you to do, "you Did them!" This says that you are very much alive, you are very human, and you can do all thing through Christ, Who gave you the strength to do all that!
you are a fighter you are a winner, and you have a reason to be! the be is for " Becomming" You are becoming who God wan't you to become in this time of your life,You are Becomming to a place that you can feel again! and thats Human to be able to fell! But most of all you are learning to Trust in God! for so long you have been trusting everything and everybody else! But now your are learning to Trust God in a way you never trusted hime before! God and God Alone.
So don't think about having the felling , think of the reason you are having the fellings.
i believe God wan'ts to show you something, Listen while you are hearing and learn while he's teaching. I pray this made sense for you! Be blessed. |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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Hi Coreena!
Don't tell me I missed free indeed! I thought it was next Wed. 10-24???? Well my mom's anniversary of bieng home with God was the 17th. I really want her here and I miss her soooo
muuuch!!!!! And of course I cried. When I arrived home on the 17th I made one of her favorite meals (one she knew I loved) and I said I am eating 3, well I ate 10. But I did not feel guilty because my breakfast & lunch were such light meals...I will share more with you what this favorite dish was. Take care Love, Lucy |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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| I can definitely relate to your sadness over the loss of your grandmother. Anniversaries like that are hard. I lost my mom in 2000, and I still miss her. Mother's day is horrible, and her birthdays and the day she died (she died on her birthday) are difficult even now. I still miss her so much. There are going to be times when you are down, and when things are more difficult to deal with than others. You have every right to cry if that is what you need to do. Each year will get a little easier, but it will always hurt. The first mother's day after my mom was gone, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just laid there and cried. My husband finally made me get up to go see his mom, which I didn't want to do! When a loved one dies, we still have to keep on living. And it is our human nature to wish they were still here. And I KNOW that God understands that, and feels our pain. Praying for you Coreena. |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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| I'll d you up in prayer sister! I don't know when we started thinking of certain feelings as sinful? There's a time for laughing and a time for Crying. Thanks for your sincerity and the courage it took to be this transparent. |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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Evangelist-- Thank you for your encouragement. I agree the Lord is teaching me. This whole process of attaining the freedom Christ has provided has been a learning process or actually an unlearning process. I am unlearning the behavior patterns from my younger years and learning God's way of doing and being.
Lucy-- Fret not. Free Indeed in NH was this past Wednesday. We are meeting at church on the 24th. Thank you for sharing your struggle with your mom's home going on the 17th. I will be praying for God's comfort for you.
Deb-- Thank you for your words of encouragement as I walk out the emotions that go with missing my grammy. Thank you so much for praying for me. I really appreciate it.
Dave-- Your words offer solace to me. Thank you for your encourgement. |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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My Friend, My Friend, My Friend,
How I love you! You are allowed to feel! What great words from everyone so far. I cry with you and share your sorrow. Keep looking to Jesus for your strength. You know how much God loves you. You also know that Grammy is watching you from heaven and she is SO PROUD of YOU!!!!
Love You! |
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| October 19, 2007 |
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| Robin-- Thank you so much for your friendship and I thank you for reminding me that she is proud of me. You made me cry! |
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