Are hot tubs supposed to be painful? Really… I mean… are hot tubs over-rated, or am I just a wuss? I’m thinking that my body is 99.8 degrees at its core. A hot tub’s around that temperature as well. So shouldn’t they be compatible? Shouldn’t that feel nice?

Carrie and I are currently on vacation up in the North Georgia mountains–at the foot of teh Appalachian Trail. We are staying at a fairly modern cabin, complete with a fully-stocked kitchen, pool table, air hockey table, Wi-Fi, and hot tubs! On the first night, Carrie invited me out to the hot tub to relax. Being the sucker that I am, I agreed to take the plunge into the vortex of liquid fire.

Gosh. I did a little research. It turns out that the average rhinoceros rectum maintains a temperature of 99.7 degrees (merely 1 degree hotter than Nick Lachey’s rear end). Startling coincidence, eh? But a beautiful analogy, nonetheless! I’ve never actually been inside of the anus of a rhinoceros, or Nick Lachey (or even entertained thoughts of that sort… much), but the agonies of getting into and bearing the whirlpool of pain known as a hot tub cannot be a far stretch.

I started by removing any clothing that I did not want to ruin. Then, I set myself to a slow simmer, one leg at a time–begrudgingly, and painfully. I stopped submerging myself just shy of my waistline. It was hard to commit to the plunge. But, after much coaxing from my wife, I proceeded until I was entirely submerged–up to my neck. And, quite frankly, that’d be where I would draw the line for a human-in-rhino-instertion as well! The hot tub was a cramped, smelly, bubbly prison that I had managed to uncomfortably lodge myself into, and after a few seconds of truly believing that the pain would go away, it never did. I’m still coping with the trauma. Somewhere in the eternity of agony that I was trapped in, I began to give into the intense delirium that was slowly overtaking me… possibly due to self-inflicted heat-stroke. The shortness of breath, loss of long-range vision, and waves of nausea–from what I understand–are also tell-tale symptoms of being lodged in the anus of a white rhino! I’m pretty convinced that I sustained some permanent damage to my nerve endings, but I am sure that’ll heal in time–maybe.

So kids, take my advice. Stay away from hot tubs. No one uses hot tubs for relaxation. They only get into hot tubs so that they might trick unexpecting first-timers to get into the bubbling cauldron of oppression! Heed my words. It’s a scam–a sham! The next time you hear “hot tub + fun”, may your brain associate that with “snipe hunting”, “rich Nigerian relatives”, and “hot singles in your area”. They’re all farses!