As everyone knows, I have things i value above all else.
God
Family
Friends
Love
Courage
Hope
(The other fruits of the spirit.)
And today, I decided that I would start on that list. Let's call it a reorganizing my priorities day. And why not??? Nobody else cares. I couldve typed in that my first priority was practising wicca in my bedroom....would anyone care???no. But i wouldnt lie like that either. even if nobody cares.So here's Part One.
COURAGE
Someone once said that courage is not the absence of fear but the steps you take when fear stares you in the face. Now I believe that fully. But that doesn't stop me from being afraid. Nope. To tell the truth, I'm always afraid of something. Would you like to know what I'm afraid of?? IS ANYONE LISTENING????
1.Being forsaken
2.Being forgotten
3.Growing old
4.Being alone
5.Not going to heaven
Now these are not in any particular order but they are my deepest, truest fears.Call it paranoia, call it unfounded fear. Call it what you want it doesn't change that I'm afriad. Now to clear up something. I am not afraid of death. Im afraid of growing okd. Two different things.BUT anyway... since no one is listening, I will just speak to myself. Not that that is unusual=)
Self, there were a lot of people in the bible that were afraid. (But I'm not being hunted for my faith???) They werent always the most significant of people. They were real and they had real fears too. (But how can I relate?) well, I'll tell you about your favorite bible character. (Who is???)......................................................................
Esther.
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A long long time ago, long before you were born (before you were born too.)There was a girl named Hadassah. She was cousins with a man named Mordecai. Mordecai was her only living relative.One day the king kicked his wife out of the castle and decided to get a new one.So Hadassah was taken with all the young maidens of the day to the castle and immediately was liked. She was given maids and eventually, she became queen. But Haman, the kings right habd, hated Mordecai with a bloody passion. Hadassah didnt tell anyone she was related to Mordecai and she lived a pretty good life. End of story??? Definitely NOT. Well, Haman got the king to decree that family of Mordecai be hanged. That meant Hadassah too!!!!!! So Mordecai told Hadassah, maybe God has placed you here for a time such as this. She fasted for three days with her maidservants and went to the king. She couldve been killed for that alone! But she isnt killed and invites the king and Haman to dinner. She does that again.And that night, she spills the beans. Hamans gonna kill me!!! and the king loves her SO much that he lets her kill him and they all live=) But I can't really relate...can I?
I can!
Life gets so screwed up that I want it all to end. I hide inside myself and i die inside. I have thought about suicide and ive thought about running away. But will it do any good??? Maybe for a litle while. But if youre running and fear is your fuel, its never really worth it is it?? Nope.But i keep running and hiding for what? to keep the real world at bay? no. I run because i am afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of not living up to standards. Well, You know what? those people who try to help, they rarely do anything at all, do they really understand? mebe. But life is more complicated than words. and NO ONE gets that. WHY DOES THE WORLD ALWAYS SEEM TO GO THE OPPOSITE WAY OF ME????? WHAT THE HECK????? But you know, life isnt fair. Who said it was? That's just the way it is. So go kick but and be unafraid to live. I'll take the shadows for you. It's my turn.........
2:7 And he brought up Hadassah, that [is], Esther, his uncle's daughter: for she had neither father nor mother, and the maid [was] fair and beautiful; whom Mordecai, when her father and mother were dead, took for his own daughter. 4:13 Then Mordecai commanded to answer Esther, Think not with thyself that thou shalt escape in the king's house, more than all the Jews. 4:14 For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, [then] shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father's house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for [such] a time as this? 4:15 Then Esther bade [them] return Mordecai [this answer], 4:16 Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which [is] not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish. 4:17 So Mordecai went his way, and did according to all that Esther had commanded him. 5:1 Now it came to pass on the third day, that Esther put on [her] royal [apparel], and stood in the inner court of the king's house, over against the king's house: and the king sat upon his royal throne in the royal house, over against the gate of the house. 5:2 And it was so, when the king saw Esther the queen standing in the court, [that] she obtained favour in his sight: and the king held out to Esther the golden sceptre that [was] in his hand. So Esther drew near, and touched the top of the sceptre. 5:3 Then said the king unto her, What wilt thou, queen Esther? and what [is] thy request? it shall be even given thee to the half of the kingdom. 5:4 And Esther answered, If [it seem] good unto the king, let the king and Haman come this day unto the banquet that I have prepared for him. 5:5 Then the king said, Cause Haman to make haste, that he may do as Esther hath said. So the king and Haman came to the banquet that Esther had prepared. 5:6 And the king said unto Esther at the banquet of wine, What [is] thy petition? and it shall be granted thee: and what [is] thy request? even to the half of the kingdom it shall be performed. 5:7 Then answered Esther, and said, My petition and my request [is]; 5:8 If I have found favour in the sight of the king, and if it please the king to grant my petition, and to perform my request, let the king and Haman come to the banquet that I shall prepare for them, and I will do to morrow as the king hath said. 5:9 Then went Haman forth that day joyful and with a glad heart: but when Haman saw Mordecai in the king's gate, that he stood not up, nor moved for him, he was full of indignation against Mordecai. 5:10 Nevertheless Haman refrained himself: and when he came home, he sent and called for his friends, and Zeresh his wife. 5:11 And Haman told them of the glory of his riches, and the multitude of his children, and all [the things] wherein the king had promoted him, and how he had advanced him above the princes and servants of the king. 5:12 Haman said moreover, Yea, Esther the queen did let no man come in with the king unto the banquet that she had prepared but myself; and to morrow am I invited unto her also with the king. 5:13 Yet all this availeth me nothing, so long as I see Mordecai the Jew sitting at the king's gate. Esther 4:13-5:13 KJV 7:1 So the king and Haman came to banquet with Esther the queen. 7:2 And the king said again unto Esther on the second day at the banquet of wine, What [is] thy petition, queen Esther? and it shall be granted thee: and what [is] thy request? and it shall be performed, [even] to the half of the kingdom. 7:3 Then Esther the queen answered and said, If I have found favour in thy sight, O king, and if it please the king, let my life be given me at my petition, and my people at my request: 7:4 For we are sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be slain, and to perish. But if we had been sold for bondmen and bondwomen, I had held my tongue, although the enemy could not countervail the king's damage. 7:5 Then the king Ahasuerus answered and said unto Esther the queen, Who is he, and where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so? 7:6 And Esther said, The adversary and enemy [is] this wicked Haman. Then Haman was afraid before the king and the queen. 7:7 And the king arising from the banquet of wine in his wrath [went] into the palace garden: and Haman stood up to make request for his life to Esther the queen; for he saw that there was evil determined against him by the king. 7:8 Then the king returned out of the palace garden into the place of the banquet of wine; and Haman was fallen upon the bed whereon Esther [was]. Then said the king, Will he force the queen also before me in the house? As the word went out of the king's mouth, they covered Haman's face. 7:9 And Harbonah, one of the chamberlains, said before the king, Behold also, the gallows fifty cubits high, which Haman had made for Mordecai, who had spoken good for the king, standeth in the house of Haman. Then the king said, Hang him thereon. 7:10 So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then was the king's wrath pacified. |
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