A pattern is beginning to emerge in the Monday Morning Grind group. We show-up intending to talk about one thing and we end up talking about another. This week’s topic was going to be a Bible-based lamentation of how our parents shaped our lives. Personally, I was looking forward to this discussion because I gave it a lot of thought over the last few days. I was all ready to tell the stories of how certain family dynamics influenced who I am today. Let’s just say it is ironic how most of us who have children do the very things our parents did that we said we would never do.

Instead we started out in Romans 8, the following being the key verse:

As bummed as I might have been that we didn’t have our discussion about parents, how our parents raised us, to a degree, doesn’t matter. Whether good or bad, no matter what, if you love God and you are called according to his purpose, He causes all (not some) things to work together for good. So if your parents were good, good! If they were bad, good! Some of you might feel differently, but would you be able to give God the glory for who you are today had it not been for the trials of your youth?

Now, that question is somewhat presumptuous, but since I have yet to meet a person who had a perfect upbringing, it is a somewhat fair assessment that your childhood included trials. I had a relatively good childhood as far as I know, but to some it might not seem so good–it is completely subjective. The point is, we all experienced childhood challenges. Hopefully we experienced joy, too. Both shape who we are. Both help us know how to raise our own children. When it comes to the negative things, it is a matter, once again, of perspective. One question that we might ask is whether we blame God for what we had to go through or whether we thank God for giving us the experience so we could later have the tools to bless or simply relate to others who experienced the same things.

Ultimately (and I can’t stress that enough), no matter who caused what bad experience, what good can come from dwelling on the past? Either all things work together for good or they don’t. My Bible says they do, and so does yours. There it is. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to downplay, minimize, or invalidate past hurts–just realize that I’m referring to living in the past and filtering every decision through the past in a fearful manner as opposed to realizing you lived through the past and it can now guide you according to God’s plans. Your past, if you let it, brings wisdom. 

No matter what type of upbringing we endured, as Christians, we have been adopted by the perfect parent. Think about the implications of that. When I was a kid I remember being afraid and my dad let me sleep with the light on. I remember another time feeling insignificant and crying in my mother’s arms. In both cases, I sought refuge from one of my parents’ and I was comforted and reassured. Other times, however, I wasn’t so lucky. I was told, “Son, I said, ‘lights’ out’!” or “Big boys don’t cry.” Perhaps, at some point in time, I was too old to sleep with the light on or I was being a cry-baby. But my perfect parent will never leave or forsake me. My perfect Daddy knows what is best for me at any given time. And, frankly, He created me with tear ducts and I’m allowed to use them.

Overall, it is not fair to judge our parents or anyone else. Our parents did or didn’t do the things they should have done, and sometimes our parents did the things they shouldn’t have done. Not only our parents, but other people throughout our lives. The thing is, so have we. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Sins of commission and omission belong to all of us. No one, outside of Christ, is blameless. No one is righteous, not even one.

It is not our job to judge our mother, father, brother, sister, or anyone else. If I cast judgment upon another person I might cause him or her to stumble or avoid seeking salvation altogether. Salvation belongs to God. It is a free gift offered to anyone who believes in His son. Who are we to determine who is worthy to receive it? It is kind of like when I tell my boys to stop arguing. Neither one of them readily acknowledge their own wrong, but they sure are quick to point out their brother’s infraction.

Enter dad… “You’re both wrong. You can both suffer the consequences, or you can forgive one another, move on, and live life.” I am amazed at how often, even though they are offered a free gift of mercy from dad’s wrath, they will stubbornly choose consequences over reconciliation and forgiveness. Let us not forget my judgment as a human parent is flawed–perhaps one of them deserved to be punished more or less than the other.

Only God can judge. For us to spend any time analyzing the past to determine who to blame for how we ended up is futile. Believe this: the enemy wants you to dwell in the past. The more you dwell in the past or live in self-pity, the less effective you are. Listen, take it all to God, your perfect parent. Take it to your daddy once and for all. He will let you sleep with the light on. He will give you comfort and let you feel how significant you really are. He will protect you. He will make everything work out according to his purpose. He always judges righteously.

Looking back, I can see we ended up talking about parents anyway.