What’s enough?
Since the day I was born again, I have tried many things to be able to know more about God. It is a piece inside of me that longs for MORE, it is like a dry land on which I spill liters of water and it becomes like drops immediately absorbed. And while I am looking at the middle of the dryness I begin again my walk, trying to obtain more; more of Him, more of His presence, more of His love.
But in all this time I feel that my hunger is not more than simple ignorance. Therefore although I grow in knowledge and in letters; it is like if something inside of me says, “That is not sufficient, it’s not enough” I spend hour in the presence of God, hours in prayer, I meditate for hours in the Word and I have understood things that many people has taken years to reveal it, but even though, I continue saying …I Want more!
The current problem in my life is not the fact that I DO want more of Jesus, but instead the feeling of "it is not enough". As much I think in this problem I realize that no matter how much I’ve grown spiritually…is not sufficient. And do not get me wrong, we never cease to learn, we never finish this growing.
But I am convinced that this uneasiness, this anxiety by wanting more of God, should not be part of my walk. I believe that while we grow we should feel peace, the confidence to know that we are on the right road and the patience to know that in some moment we will arrive there.
I say that I have learned about God, but then in the middle of the privacy, I question myself and I say: "Let see Jeni, What do you really have learned?" And I thought "For example, I have learned that God loves me, in such a way that gave us His son". And just in this moment this happened:
For some minutes I started thinking about each moment with my daughter, I recalled in few minutes things that until now I had forgot. I thought about the protection that I give her, in my hours of teaching, how we seek the best for her. My husband and I, as much as we can, we watch over each thing that enters to the eyes of our daughter and we watch so much for her spiritual growth as much as we watch for the physical growing.
The love that I feel for Vanessa is so incalculable that at times I believe that nobody can love their own children in the way in which I love my baby. There are times that I am in my work and I think about her and I feel a penetrating pain in my chest, that I can not described indeed. And once I asked my husband and he smiled and told me "I know exactly what are you talking about."
While she sleeps I put myself out of bed just to look at her, in those nights when I cannot sleep. And kiss all her face, I tell her how much I love her and I speak words of love, until I get tired and I return to bed.
Let me tell you more, I did a calendar and I wrote dates in which I am going to talk with her about important things such as sex, engagement, puberty.
The fact is that she is only 5 years old but I already know that when she have 10 years old I want to take her to a mission trip, at the age of nine I will begin to speak and to prepare her for the adolescence, at the thirteen I will speak about her “first engagement” with Jesus and also about sex. When the fourteen arrives we will begin to start thinking what is she going to do with her life, what does she want? Planning the future!
My husband and I have planned when are we going to buy her first car and we spend hours thinking in how to work more to leave her a good inheritance, spiritual and material.
We already know that as soon as she turns thirteen, her dad will begin to teach her everything he knows about graphics and photographs.
When her boyfriend and future husband come to our family, we already decided that we are going to do a night’s camp, one for just for man and other just for women. My husband will take her boyfriend and the dad of the boyfriend for a night to speak on things as commitment, marriage, sex out of the marriage, etc. And I will do the same thing with Vanessa, her mother-in-law and I.
My pleasure is to give her; I love to see her satisfied and that she has no need of any thing. I like to make her happy and that she enjoys being with us, and we want that she grows feeling that.
And after thinking about all this things, again I said: "God loves me so much that…" AND I asked me again do you believe it Jeni? It is exactly the point, I cry out to God saying “I want more of you Lord”, “give me more”. But what I am really saying is, “GOD….I know you love and you sent Your Son because of this love, but that is not sufficient, give me more"
How can I expect more revelation when I haven’t pass my first class lesson. Because if I expect to receive from God less of what I expect to give to my daughter, I haven’t learned anything so far. Just Blah Blah Blah !
The Bible says that we, as earthly parents, compared with the love that God feels for us, we are evils "if you being evils…give good things". So I ask you, Did you read everything that I described about the love that I feel for my daughter? And the Bible says it is nothing compared with the love of God.
Today I confess that I have been lying! I haven’t understood how much God loves me. Even worse, I haven’t even experienced and expected that love, that small and tiny love (compare to God’s) that I feel for my daughter on my relationship with God.
Now be honest, Do you?
And although the love of God is a fact, it has not become an assurance in my heart. You know why? Simply because I do not always respond in the way in which my daughter does with me.
She does not feel fears; mommy and daddy take care of her,
She does not worry, mommy and daddy watch;
She believes everything that I tell her and she never doubts of my word;
She knows that always there is truth in my word.
She imitates each thing that I do; and last Saturday she told me "mommy you know why I like to look at you, because when I grow up I want to be just like you".
When my daughter feels pain, a kiss is enough for her to say …I feel better mom.
If we talk about asking for something, it is something very simple for her!
And even simpler results for her to receive; since the moment I say “Yes” she begins to plan in spite of the fulfillment of this request can take a while.
The truth is I am not like her yet. And I ask myself why I want more if I do not understand the more fundamental part.
I want revelation, prophetic gifts and I want to go to the third sky like the apostle John, and I haven't even separated one foot from the “first earth” in the simple fact of understand what means to be loved by God.
I have weeks thinking about this subject of "God loves me" and after I meditated a lot I understood that I am going to begin all over again.
What’s enough?His love has to be enough for everything! PERIOD! |
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