I have been seeing several blogs on forgiveness over the past couple of days. I know experientially how much torment we bring upon ourselves when we are unable to forgive. One of the classes I took last quarter was Character Development. We talked about the Six Pillars of Biblical Character. Those Six Pillars are:

Trustworthiness
Responsibility
Respect
Forgiveness
Love
Peace

Today, in hopes of offering help to those who seem to be unable to forgive, I have presented the outline of our lessons that pertain to Pillar No. 4 – Forgiveness

And now for the lesson:

No close friendship/intimate relationship has ever existed without some degree of pain. It is impossible for fallen human beings to function in relationships without there always being potential for offense.

Questions to be answered: 

What is an offense?

What is Biblical forgiveness?

How do I forgive from the heart?

How do I know if I have truly forgiven another person?

A. Offense: A violation or breaking of a social or moral rule. Transgression or sin.

When someone commits a sin against another, they have committed an offense against that person. The offender has incurred a debt to the injured party.

The New Testament defines forgiveness as “letting go” of one’s right to collect on that debt – to release or set free.

Forgiveness is a decision on the part of the offended to release the offender from the penalty and guilt of the offense commited:

Release from our revenge – we consciously decide not to “pay them back”

Release from our judgment – “You meant to do this, you are guilty, and you always do this”.

Release from their indebtedness – having to repay us in some way.

Question: Who are the offended? Christians or society in general?

Luke 17:1-5 (NKJV
Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses shouldcome, but woe to him through whom they do come! It would be better forhim if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.” Faith and Duty.  And the apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith.” 

Offend: - (Greek: “skandalon”) – The part of the trap to which the bait is attached.

Offend signifies:
 
Laying a trap in someone’s way
 
Entrapment used by the enemy

Offense is a tool the devil uses to bring people into captivity causing people to:

Turn from God

Turn from each other

Cause our love to grow cold

God’s answer to offense is FORGIVENESS

Ephesians 4:32-32 (NIV)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13 (NIV)Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

B. What Forgiveness is NOT

1. Forgiveness is NOT a feeling.

No one ever “feels” like forgiving. It is a decision to obey God by releasing the person from the guilt and penalty of his/her offense.

2. Forgiveness is NOT downplaying or minimizing the offense.

It is not acting like nothing ever happened or pretending you weren’t hurt. Pretending (denial) and forgiving are not the same thing.

3. Forgiveness is NOT excusing the offense.

Sometimes we feel that if we forgive, we are declaring that the other person wasn’t wrong or that it wasn’t a big deal.

4. Forgiveness is NOT earned.

If a criminal commits a crime and he serves his sentence, he is not forgiven; he has paid his debt.

If our forgiveness demands that the person “pay for it” before we will forgive, then we are not giving forgiveness. That is justice not mercy

Just as we can in no way contribute to the forgiveness and salvation which Jesus has accomplished for us on the cross, so no one we forgive can be forgiven yet forced to pay for their offense against us.

Forgiveness is a matter of grace, not works, and it does not make demands upon the one who receives it.

5. Forgiveness is NOT conditional.

It does not wait for someone to admit their wrong or repent of their sin toward you.

Forgiveness is given unconditionally – with no regard to whether or not a person confesses, repents, or understands their offense. It does not say, “I can’t forgive him because he doesn’t seem sorry for what he did”.

Luke 23:24 (NIV)
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

6. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting the offense.

Micah 7:19 (NLT)
Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!

God doesn’t forget that we ever sinned – He chooses to move his focus from our past wrongs.

God created us in such a way that we cannot choose to remove a memory from our minds.  The fact that you still remember an event and the emotions associated with it does not necessarily indicate that you have not forgiven.

“In fact, true forgiveness is more about remembering than forgetting. It involves facing the past, not suppressing it.”-Andy Stanley, “Louder than Words”

7. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you must trust that person again.
It is not the same as reconciliation. In forgiveness, the hostility is removed so the process can begin.

The decision to forgive is instant. Trust is rebuilt over time (if ever). Forgiveness is unconditional, but trust is earned.

C. What is Biblical forgiveness?

“Forgiveness is based on the atoning work on the cross, and not on anything we do. It is never complete until, first, we have experienced the forgiveness of God, second, we can forgive others who have wronged us, and third, we are able to forgive ourselves.”-Charles Stanley, “The Gift of Forgiveness”

1. Forgiveness is a decision I make to obey God.

By his grace, God has given us the ability to forgive even if our emotions cry, “No!” It is not accurate to say, “I can’t forgive”. You are really saying, “I won’t forgive”.

No one else, including God, can make that decision for you.

It is not a suggestion. It is a commandment.
 

“Remember, your character is always either improving or deteriorating. It is either getting better or worse. Nothing contributes to the deterioration of character like unresolved hurt. Bitterness is like a cancer, attacking every healthy thing it contacts. And so your character deficiencies will eventually make contact with the healthy relationships in your life” Bitterness can not be contained. It always spreads. Forgiveness is not optional. Relationally speaking, it is a matter of life and death.-Andy Stanley

2. Forgiveness is not probationary, but permanent.

Just as conditions cannot be demanded before forgiveness is granted, neither can they be laid down for forgiveness to remain in force.
 

Jeremiah 31:32-34 (NLT)

This covenant will not be like the one I made with their ancestors when I took them by the hand and brought them out of the land of Egypt. They broke that covenant, though I loved them as a husband loves his wife,” says the Lord.  “But this is the new covenant I will make with the people of Israelon that day,” says the Lord. “I will put my instructions deep within them, and I will write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their relatives, saying, ‘You should know the Lord.’ For everyone, from the least to the greatest, will know me already,” says the Lord. “And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”

Forgiveness says:

a. “I won’t bring this up again in a manner that seeks to hurt you.”

b.“I will not rehearse the offense in my mind”

c.“I will choose to focus on the future relationship, not the past hurts.”

3. Forgiveness seeks to restore

Forgiveness, like love, seeks the best interest of another, even at our own expense.

When forgiveness is granted is does not necessarily mean that all need for correction is gone. (i.e., we can forgive our children but they still may need to be sent to their room for a period of time.)

Forgiveness deals first with our hostility and violated rights so we can get our hearts right before God and the offender.

The one who benefits the most from forgiveness is the one who grants it, not the one who receives it.

Isaiah 43:25 (NKJV)

“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins.”

4. Forgiveness initiates the process of reconciliation, but it does not guarantee it.

Reconcile: To restore to friendship and harmony.
 
One person can forgive, bit it takes two to reconcile.

Forgiveness is not a one-time act, but rather a lifestyle that has to be maintained. Anticipate that you will have to exercise forgiveness for the rest of your life.

D. Three Processes for Forgiveness
 
1. Identify specifically how you have been hurt.

2. Cancel the debt; drop the case. Just as Christ canceled your sin debt, you must cancel the debts that others have incurred against you.

3.You must choose daily not to reopen the matter. When memories of the past hurt surface, use them as opportunities to renew your mind to what we know is true.

E. How Can I Know If I Have Really Forgiven Someone?

When you allow God to use you as an unrestricted channel of his love towards your offender.

Matthew 5:44 (NKJV)

But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,

Romans 12:20 (NKJV)

Therefore, “ If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” 

If you are willing to obey the promptings of the Lord to bless that person in whatever way he chooses (let His love flow through you to them), then you will know you have forgiven.

I hope this lesson has hepled you in the area of forgiveness. If you are like me you will need to refer to it often.

A few months ago I wrote a blog entitled "Unforgiveness Will Eat Your Lunch" for those of you who are interested.

Thanks. May your roots grow down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love!

Michael