Yesterday my husband gave me a ring. I got the whole nine yards - he went down on one knee, asked me if I would wear this ring, placed it on my finger. I cried. Typical engagement story, except we've been married a decade or so.

You see, this is no ordinary ring. I've waited almost 2 years for it, not because I wanted another ring, but because I wanted the promise that went with it. A promise for his sexual purity. He tried to promise this to me over 2 years ago, but I wouldn't take his promise because I knew he wasn't ready to carry it out. I told him when he was ready to mean it, I wanted a ring.

So, yesterday I got it.

I guess I should back up a bit. For most of our marriage, my man has been addicted to pornography. There's been other things that went with it, but for the purpose of this blog I'm calling it all pornography.

Two and a half years ago he was caught. It wasn't the first time he was caught, but by the grace of God I do believe it was his last. At least now, with the promise he made to me, I'm convinced that if he fell again he would confess it to me before I found out some other way. And that's a huge step for us.

The burden of pornography, I believe, has been placed squarely on the shoulders of the wives caught in the crossfire. We've accepted the burden that, if we were a little more ________, he wouldn't have done it. Or if we were a little less ________, he would be able to stop. We're too tall, too short, too loud, too fat, too boring. If we could just fix all of our problems, our husbands would be ok. Because really, it's all our fault, right?

That is such a huge lie. Even reading what I wrote, I know it's a lie and it sounds ridiculous. But my heart's a whole different battleground.

I should know that the same master of deception that is whispering to my husband that it's really ok to look online, just this once, is the same sinister voice whispering to me that when he does look, just this once, it was somehow my fault. And for 8 years I bought that lie - hook, line, and sinker. But not anymore. It's still a struggle, but I'm just going to make a choice not to go there.

I want to encourage you, if you're a woman reading this, that you are not alone. In fact, I'm convinced that mychurch.org has a bunch of women members who are struggling just like you and I. And you also need to know that, even though you may still be in that cycle of judging and blaming yourself, another woman going through it would never do any such thing to you. I know, I've been there.

I'd like to encourage you to step out there. Refuse to believe that you're alone and that there's no one you can turn to for help. If you're a member of my church, Calvary Community, there's a support group starting for you. If you're a member of a different church, find out if there is a support group you can join. If not, pray and see if this isn't something the Lord would want you to do. It has to start somewhere. In the meantime, let us encourage one another. If you need prayer, post it here or send me a private message if you'd like. I'd count it a privilege. Because burdens were never intended to be carried alone.

Yesterday I gave my son a penmanship assignment. Yeah, we're still homeschooling in July, trying to catch up before the new fall season. This penmanship paper was on happiness. There were some quotes and verses he had to copy:

"The happiest people don't always have the best of everything; they make the best of what they have."

"The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one has to do." -Sir James M. Barrie

(I sure hope he got these right-I threw away the original before I remembered to check them!)

And of course:

But godliness with contentment is great gain. 1 Timothy 6:6

I assumed that this would be just another devotion-type assignment. We would talk a bit about how the Lord wants us to be happy, no matter what life throws your way. But I was a little surprised at what transpired during this conversation.

He said four words to me that I don't think I'll ever forget. "Yeah, you never complain."

Well, just so you know, that's a big fat lie. But the truth is, he never HEARS me complain. I thought long and hard about this in the 24 hours after this assignment, and I know this to be true. We all have something we're suffering through, trials we have to endure, and I don't think we should be sheltering our kids from them. Far from it!

This is what I'm putting out there in this blog. For me, the "great gain" in 1 Timothy 6:6 is the inheritance I'm leaving my kids, that there can be JOY in the suffering, that God does His best work in the dark shadows.

After all, we're going to be suffering anyway. We may as well leave a godly inheritance for the next generation while we're at it. What a lesson! Penmanship can wait.

No one likes to wait.
It doesn't seem to matter what it is we're waiting for, just the act of waiting itself is enough to make us nuts. We could be on our way to having our wisdom teeth removed without novacaine, hit a red light, and -ugh. We have to wait. See what I mean? No one likes to wait.

This is only my second blog, and not incidentally, this will be my second blog about my medical issues. Please don't think that I'm all wrapped up in myself or anything like that. This is just a nice way for me to get my thoughts out. Seems like they're on my mind a lot lately. Hard for them not to be, they're on everyone's mind lately. All of my wonderful friends and family are asking me about it, wanting to know what's going on, what are the doctor's saying, what's the next course of action, what are you going to do???

The short answer is, nothing.

You see, I prayed for direction on what to do. There are no easy answers for me. There are no local surgeons who want to touch me, and the surgeons who actually know what they're doing, my insurance doesn't want to pay for. I fought this battle once and ended up worse off for it. So I decided to pray about what to do, and the answer to that prayer was DO NOTHING.

Yeah, easy for You to say.

I've been hanging with that answer for awhile now, and in the midst of it I've watched helplessly as I've been diagnosed with one condition after another, as if I didn't have enough problems. I'm not complaining. At first I thought that since He told me to "Do Nothing", that maybe He was going to heal me, but I quickly realized that wasn't His plan. I started to see this as a sort-of Gideon's army type of thing- make it completely insurmountable, so God would get all of the glory. Maybe that's what He's doing, I don't know. At first the diagnoses were just annoying, but now they're downright scary. The silence is deafening.

And still I wait.

The hardest thing for me has been trying to explain this to other people. (I can totally relate to Noah now - "Uh, Noah? There's not a cloud in the sky.) You would think that unbelievers would be the obstacle, but they don't really understand me anyway, so I don't think they attempt to understand this, either. They just accept it. Believe it or not, it's my fellow Christian's who look at me in disbelief, who want to offer me an alternate "solution" to God's plan, or add to His answer. (I'm not sure how you can "add" to an answer like "Do Nothing", but they try!) I often hear, "yeah, but...." I'm not quite sure how to respond to that. This isn't what I expected. I thought you guys would be the easy ones to convince.

So anyway, if you ask me how things are going with the doctors, I'll try not to stare out into space. I usually answer in a high, sing-songy voice, like He's off a few feet away, "I'm still WAIIIIT-INNGGGG!!!!", like He'll be jolted awake out of a half-sleep, because He forgot about me or something.

As if.

It's a natural tendancy to think He's forgotten us. David felt it. Even Jesus did. Why should I be any different? It's certainly easy for me to feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But for some reason, He still loves me, and He hasn't forgotten about me. He just hasn't.

He told ME to do nothing. That doesn't mean that HE isn't doing anything. I have to keep reminding myself of that little tidbit of information.

He has one purpose for my life. It's not to heal me, although that would be nice. It's not for me to lead a comfortable life, even though that would be nice, too. No, the only purpose He has for me is to make me more like Christ. If the waiting is going to be a part of that plan, I have to accept that, I guess. I think He knows me better than I do.

So I'll just keep waiting.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

I'm new at this whole "blogging" thing, which means that I guess I don't know the rules or anything like that, so you guys are going to have to be patient with me. I don't even know what a blog is, I think it's like a journal or a diary or something. I had an awesome quiet time this morning, and I wanted to share it, so that's what this is about. I hope that's what a blog is, because that's what this is!

I wasn't able to go to church today, because my "enemies" had gotten the better of me. Sometimes that happens. For those out there who don't know me very well, I guess a little background is in order. On my home page I wrote that I have a lot of medical issues, and that's what I'm referring to when I talk about my "enemies". I've never called them that until today, when I read Psalm 31. Anyway, I have a Chiari malformation. I wish I knew how to stick a web link here, but I don't so you'll have to google it if you want to know more. I also have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Nysagmus, Occult Tight Filum Terminale, cranial-cervical instability, and possible Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. There's a bunch of other stuff going on as well, but suffice it to say that I'm a medical disaster. Please don't feel sorry for me, I don't.

I was reading Psalm 31, which I've always loved, but never felt intimately connected to, because I don't really have any enemies like David did, chasing me around. But for some reason this morning, the Lord placed it on my heart that He was going to deliver me from my enemies. So here's the conversation, such as it was:

me: "Enemies? What enemies?"

Lord: "You know."

me: "enemies, enemies.... I'm trying to think... you don't mean my neighbor that doesn't like me? Is she moving?"

Lord: "Keep thinking. The real enemies."

And then it hits me, because apparently I'm a little slow, that my enemies don't have to be actual people. My enemies are the things that keep me from living the life that God has planned for me, that steal my joy and prevent me from fully serving Him and bringing Him glory. And it came to me in that moment that the enemies in my life were my medical conditions. So I read Psalm 31 in a whole new light.

¹ In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

² Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

³ Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

⁴ Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.

⁵ Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

⁶ I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.

⁷ I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

⁸ You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

⁹ Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

¹⁰ My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, ^[a]
and my bones grow weak.

¹¹ Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.

¹² I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

¹³ For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

¹⁴ But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

¹⁵ My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

¹⁶ Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

¹⁷ Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave. ^[b]

¹⁸ Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

¹⁹ How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

²⁰ In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

²¹ Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

²² In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

²³ Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.

²⁴ Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

I was so encouraged when I read this. Does this mean that I think all of my problems and medical conditions are just going to vanish? No. As a matter of fact, they are getting worse, and are progressing at an alarming rate. BUT, I can say with a great deal of confidence that I can see the Lord's hand in all of this. There are times that I AM afraid, but I also know that there is no NEED to fear, for the Lord is in control of it all. And as strong as my "enemies" seem, the friends that the Lord has seen fit to give me are much, much stronger, and I am thankful for you all.

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? (Job 2:10b) Of course not. I guess my point here is, I'm learning to give it all to Him, because I don't want any of it anyway. I think He gives us everything He gives us, just to see if we'll give any of it back. That holds true for the good AND the bad. For some reason, it's easier to give back the good stuff, like money, charity, and service. The bad stuff we take to the foot of the cross, but we don't want to leave it there. Trust is a hard thing, but it's essential to healing. I'm at the point now that I have no other choice, He's the only one who can help me now, and I have to completely surrender this to Him. That's no small task, let me tell you!! And I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I haven't been too happy about it. When specialists tell you one thing, and the Lord tells you another, well, you can imagine. I'm still struggling daily, but I've dropped the load, and that's a good thing because I'm not supposed to lift more than five pounds and I think this load weighed considerably more than that.

So, this is my first blog. I hope I did it right! Thanks to all who pray for me, and if this is the correct forum I'll update this as needed, the next time something happens that is pertinent. Lots of you ask me how I'm doing, and I usually say I'm fine, because while spiritually that's true, the real answer just takes too long. :)