WHAT I FEEL
Day one:
Tap, tap, tap, goes my conscience, "Wake up from the world of your unconscious Its time to go to school" Lying paralyzed, half escaped from my cocoon… My fake womb of warmth, I wonder who I should listen too… The warmth whispered, "stay…. stay here. You can go almost anywhere you can there… dream…dream about science and history, about English and psychology, love, loss, hate and art." The cold cried, "Come out! Know about these things, go to these places, feel life as it really is…leave the dream and know reality." The warmth again whispers, "Reality is boring!" You will see if you awake, that the day to day never goes away…stay…for here you will feel as you have always wanted. "Get up", said the cold. "Here, you may not always feel as you want to feel or do as you want to do, but out here you can become more then you have imaged…greater then the things you dream." As I snuggle up again in the blankets, I feel them tight around me…so tight…too tight I'm being trapped by them. Suddenly as if hit by a blot of lightning A flash of memories return to me. Memories of yesterday and tomorrow, Of five years ago and five years from now… I ripped the blankets off my body, Jumped from the bed where I had been and freezing, and Looking longingly at the womb of warmth and safety I had just emerged from I said, "Until tonight warm, safe blankets…ill see you tonight, For today I live again."
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Day Two:
trapped in concepts which can't be expressed with words, i sit, unable to sleep, eat, move.
"TODAY I LIVE AGAIN"?
Did i live today?
What did i do today?
i want to do more yet i feel there is nothing for me to do
nothing to do but sleep.
i wish i could sleep
i can't
no warmth for me
the blankets are off
and its freezing
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Day three:
Did I live today? the question I ask myself everyday that has a different answer each time I ask it Do I want to live my life in a dream or do I want to live my life? It's a tough choice and even though I know what is right I also know what is easy. Plus I often feel the world would be better served if all I was to do was share my dream life with others or maybe just hide from the world and stop pestering it, to dream my life away. Today I was alive and it hurt. Today I suffered and it was real. Today I must suck up my pain so that people don't get distracted by my silly problems, I want to sleep to avoid their stares, so that I can stop listening to the lies they repeat in their heads rarely questioning the validity of their thoughts as is relates to truth about me. I want to sleep and forget it all and yet I know that its not bedtime. I'm not safe, I'm not loved, I'm alone...but I'm alive. It's not bedtime yet. Goodness is it cold.
WHAT I KNOW
Holding back tears as I try to press though the pain and do my job, I wait. Wait for the moment I can feel safe, feel loved, and feel accepted. Yes I am horrible but no more so then anyone else. The thing that makes my insufficiency stand out is my insecurity with myself and my inability to understand my life which always seems to be spinning out of control. We are all hypocrites, I just acknowledge my hypocrisy and confusion; that does not make it right for people to treat me the way that they do nor does it mean I am any less of a believer or any less of a person. The one thing I am secure with is that I am honest with my thoughts: if I am confused about something, I’ll tell you, if I’m worried or struggling with something I’ll tell you but please don't put words in my mouth and thoughts in my head. Sometimes I get so lonely. Lord do you look at me the way they do? Is there something that I not doing? Is being honest with you and asking you questions wrong or disrespectful? If so please change my heart because all I want is you. Never leave me! Love me, accept me, forgive me, and protect me. I can't feel you and all I feel is pain and emptiness but I know in my head and in my heart that all these things I cry out to you for will be done. I thank you in my pain and insecurity because I know your grace is enough for me and that you will stay with me through it all.
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