Soooo I'm a college student, and I babysit practically full time to make a living. I LOVE the kids. They are 5 months old, 2 years old, and 6 years old. I've bonded with each of them. It's really been a new experience for me. When I first started babysitting I really thought that there was no gospel to be shared. I didn't think any of the kids were old enough to get it with words, but as I've continued to babysit I realize I was wrong. I've had some really neat conversations with the 6 year old, Elizabeth. I don't really know where her family's at with God or church, but apparently she attends this bible study occassionally. I'm not too sure how often, but she understands a lot more than I would expect. So from conversations we began praying before bed every Tuesday and Thursday night since those are the two nights that I put them to bed. The routine is I pray first and then she follows. She really likes it because she always MAKES SURE I know that we're praying before I leave that room. But it was just one of those days ya know? One of those days where they really tried my patience, I was tired, and not too cheery. I'm upstairs trying to focus on Elizabeth while the 5 month old is screaming downstairs and he nevvver cries. So I'm focused on getting out of there as soon as possible when she asks me how God gets into her heart. And it was one of those moments where I almost told her that I'd tell her tomorrow because I was SO distracted by Nathan crying and that's when I realized I'd be crazy to walk away from that situation. So I told her to ask Jesus into her heart, and tell him she was sorry for all the bad things she'd done. I told her she could ask him into her heart anytime she was ready. And she said she wanted to right then and there so she did! Out loud! It was so cool!! So I explained to her afterwards that Jesus is now her forever friend and she can talk to him whenever she wants to. I told her she could keep talking to Jesus as long as she wanted to, but that I had to go get Nathan. She was really excited. It was so cool because I've never led someone to christ before! It was a really good reminder that I'm not perfect, God is, and he wants to use ME regardless!

"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you . May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and everyone of us."

A good expression of my feelings in that moment. :)

The idea of marriage is so not appealing to me. It's been one thing to grow up in a divorced family, I think my ideas of marriage have been molded from that in itself, but lately it seems as if divorce has been a constant. I keep hearing about good christian couples getting a divorce. Isn't that out of the question? I don't know...that thought is so scary to me. Because I know that it's going to be difficult for me to marry in the first place, and when and if I do, divorce won't be an option, I want that to be the same for my husband. But I feel like because I've grown up in a divorced family, (meaning the idea of 'divorce' is not outlandish to me like it may be to someone who's grown up with their parents together), I will easily look to divorce as my way out....as my way to 'fix it.' But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It's just been on my mind lately because people who I NEVER thought would get a divorce, are. It's hard to believe in marriage. Isn't the husband supposed to love their wife like Christ loves the church? With that kind of love...why wouldn't marriage work?
I'm willing to let God teach me all about marriage.

As for college...things are going really good. I'm pretty stressed out right now, but that comes with school and homework. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. God's really trying to tell me something, but I'm not sur what it is. Today, my friend told me that her dad is installing floor heaters through the crawl space of their house. I was like WOW never heard of that and I started crying. I don't know why, but I immediately thought about kids in Africa who don't even have a floor to begin with. But here she is with her heated floor, and here I am with my heated mattress. Idk...I am so blessed. I'm writing this paper on child support and how it's a problem because people don't pay it and I'm supposed to come up with a creative solution. It's been really difficult to write for me because I am so biased...it's so personal. I'm so determined. I was using myself as an example and I'm really blessed. I have a car I got for free, I'm 18 and still not paying for my cell phone bill, my mom's paying for school right now, I go out to eat whenever I want to..etc etc...I....have...it..made. It's incredible. Yes, I've really done without. I was talking to Sam ,the jhi pastor today about it and he just told me to be grateful. Explore all these possibilities and all these feelings. It was a good reminder to me that I'm allowed to be blessed, that this is what some may call 'grace' and that God freaking loves me. I don't know God's really doing a number on my heart when it comes to giving. I'm really starting to hear him when he's speaking to me, and I've been able to follow his voice better than ever.

The other night during the Fusion jhi service at church there was this girl who was sitting by herself. She's a funny student to me because sometimes I feel like she likes me, and other times I don't. So I approached her, I told her that if she needed to talk that we could go out in the hallway and talk right now. She wanted to. She's struggling with typical jhi stuff, nothing I'm too worried about. As I was talking with her and giving her some advice she told me that she had accepted Jesus into her heart and that she wanted to read the bible and learn more about him, but that she didn't know how. I assumed that Jesus was her Savior, but not quite yet her Lord. So I asked her if she had a bible...she said no. I immediately thought in my head that I was going to buy her a bible and bring it to church next weekend. But something changed and I asked her right then if I could buy her a bible. She was weirded out by it at first, but after I told her it was on my heart and that I really wanted to, she said yes. She went to talk to her mom and I headed to the book store where her and her mom met up with me. Her mom told me that I didnt have to buy her a bible, but I told her that I wanted to unless I was stepping on her toes. She said no not at all and then she started crying, gave me her amazing testimony, and THE biggest hug. I started balling. And...in situations like those, I'm not a cryer. Her mom tells me that her and her husband separated and that she happened to see an advertisement from a billboard for this church so she came. Her husband started coming and they soon got back together. You know my story, my parents are divorced, Ireally believe that marriage can get to a point where only God can reconcile it. She kept thanking me over and over and over. I've been on mission trips, I've worked with jhi students for a couple years now, I've shared the gospel, but I have NEVER been moved by the Holy Spirit this much in my entire life. It was amazing.

I just wanted to share that story for encouragement. It's definately taken me awhile to figure out how God communicates with me, but now that I have I'm amazed. I really want to do my best to follow his leadings always. He's really doing a number on my heart guys!!

I'm really involved with the Junior High ministry at my church and I have been for the past 2 years now. When I was in high school I never really became too involved with the high school ministry. I meant to, and was for awhile, but then I got frusterated with it and stopped coming. Shortly after that, I got a job. I worked every Wednesday which was the night the high schoolers met. It was Wednesday or Thursday and Jhi students met every Thursday. So I chose Jhi. Now that I'm in college, I'm seeming to find myself desiring to be fed more than ever. I've had some amazing opportunities with everything that I can get involved in. I feel so torn. Tonight was the first night that I didn't want to be there. My heart wasn't in it. Ever since June, when I helped to lead my school's Baccalaureate, I've felt led to possibly lead worship. However, I also felt God telling me to wait. After I went to camp with the Jhi ministry and helped lead worship there as well, I was reminded of how I might actually want to do that. I still felt God telling me to wait, but I was feeling more restless. So I've been thinking/half-heartedly praying about where my ministry might be at. I got this strange thought tonight about not serving at all for this entire year. Is that crazy? I've gotten mixed reviews....
Some people tell me it's between me and God. Duh. Others tell me it's okay to take time off to be fed and to grow in my relationship with Christ. And still others tell me that He wants my heart not my service.
But I can grow in my relationship with Christ through serving...I know because I already have. And if He really had my heart, wouldn't I desire to SERVE Him in a ministry sort of way? I don't know. I don't really know if that's even what I think. I'm just confused.

I wonder if it would be okay to take a year off and not be involved in any kind of ministry where I'm leading. Please tell me your thoughts.