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Mike received his passport today to travel to Belize with our friend Rod with Kingdom Business Network to teach business skills to the people there. I'm excited that at least part of the vision I've been having for my family is being realized. Depending on the guys' experience there, and on God's leading and provision, we are planning on all going on the next trip.
But with all the excitement, I feel some fear creeping in concerning immunizations for Olivia and whether or not I'm going to be well enough to make the trip. I feel the need to be making preparations concerning the immunizations so that we are not unprepared when the time comes. But if God wills it, it will all work out. God is never late, Mike tells me.
Just wanted to share my excitement of some dreams being realized.
Also, Coplete Communications, the long distance phone service company that Mike and a friend have started is prospering. They are adding new business accounts, and I pray that it will continue to grow and provide for our ministry expenses.
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I sure am glad I came online tonight instead of just heading for bed after an exhausting and confusing day. I feel so much better already just reading how my friends are doing and about what is going on with them. Love you all.
The exhausting part of my day is from taking on too much in one day. But now that I'm able to sleep again. I was able to take a nap and recharge...a wonderful blessing.
The confusing part is due to my counselor telling me that I'm not as sick as I think I am. I ignored it when she said it. She doesn't have my medical records, and she's not a doctor. My doctor was shocked to see how sick the test results said I was, because I was still functioning to some degree. Anyhow, with treatment, I had hoped to be doing better than I am, but I'm blessed to have met several people online who struggle in the same ways I am, and realize I'm not so much an alien afterall....lol. Many of them are convinced they will never get better. I'm not in that camp of thought, but I do believe it will take time and perhaps a miracle. I know I'm better than I used to be and have every reason to believe that improvement will continue.
I ignored the comment, because I thought it really didn't matter, but today when I was so wiped out from things that wouldn't phase most others, and couldn't prepare dinner for my family, I started emotionally beating myself up thinking I should get up and fix dinner because "I'm not really as sick as I think I am". No amount of telling myself to get up enabled me to be able to get up. Only after a nap was I able to get up and drag myself to a baby shower which I had been looking forward to going to.
During the shower, someone took me aside and asked if everything was ok with me. I explaid that I had inhaled gas fumes and my head is just not right. The person was immature, and I probably shouldn't have given that much information. I received a lecture and a half. How is it that other people claim to know more about me than I know about myself? So now, if this person has their way, I'm to believe that this illness is a spiritual matter, that my healing has already been provided, and that I just need to forgive others, confess my sin, take authority over it and start "walking in it"...whatever that means exactly.
I would much prefer to walk in healing, but sometimes, like today, I'm just too ill to do so...go figure. That's why I'm confused. I'd like to understand why this concept of Jesus bearing the stripes for our healings doesn't always play out in the Christian's life. I know it's not due to me not forgiving, confessing, or exercising authority. I quote healing scriptures daily. I'd like to be able to put to rest the idea that there is something terribly wrong with me or that I'm just unacceptable to God even with me being covered by Christ's righteousness.
Also, I need to learn when to go and when to rest...when to knowingly expose myself to toxins in order to do what needs done, or be where I feel I need to be, and when to take measures to avoid them. My prayer is for the voice of the Holy Spirit to become so clear to me that I will know what is right for me at each moment and won't have to guess and pay the consequences of guessing it wrong.
I'd like to learn a better way to respond to others questions and comments. I have no problem with people being curious, especially if I'm wearing a mask. Others may need assurance that I'm not contageous. I become uneasy though when I receive judgements...there must be some sin or unforgiveness in my life preventing me from being well. And then there are those that just cannot fathom that a whiff of gasoline would do to my brain the things it does, and think I have to be making it up, or I think I'm sicker than I really am...like some sort of psychosomatic illness that I've caused by thinking it so.
So, on to the things I'm grateful for today...
1. I was so blessed at the babyshower to see the generosity of the other guests. I thouroughly enjoyed watching the young couple be showered with gifts and love.
2. Olivia has discovered and fallen in love with the Strawberry Shortcake character. Her enthusiasm is contageous...lol. I love watching her get so excited. Now instead of her telling me to draw her all the time, she wants me to draw Strawberry Shortcake.
3. Philip has been chosen to represent his class for the school spelling bee, and I'm enjoying helping him prepare very much. He is such a joy.
4. I went for some heavy metal testing which required 5 hours of chelation. I'm grateful that I tolerated it very well and even seem to have improved much in my cognitive function from it. I'm curious to see what the results are. I want to see if the detox diet I've been following has been effective or if I will need to go back to the chelation protocol.
5. My cell group has been praying for me this week. I asked them to pray for freedom for me. Freedom from feeling the need to live up to the goals my parents had for me as a child...living up to my distorted image of what a "good" Christian wife and mother is...and living up to what my children expect of me. I asked them to pray for freedom for me to be who God made me to be and to live up to His goals for me. I'm so grateful to know others are praying for me, and grateful that I can tell them that I'm sensing God's presence again after a long absense. I nolonger feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Praise God.
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In this chapter about Hannah being treated badly by her husband's other wife because she did not have children, I see such a difference between our culture and theirs.
In my life, I feel that I've been viewed very poorly by others because I have more than 2 children. The disaproval started when Philip was born. He was my third, and there is no doubt in my mind that he was an answer to my prayer for God's will to prevail in my life.
You see, I had no intention of having more children. I was relieved to have raised my two to the point that they were both walking and I didn't have to carry them any longer along with everything else I had to carry. Physically I was very weak and in pain most of the time. I was not longing for more children and was taking steps to prevent conception. So, when Philip was conceived, I knew it was an act of God, and I treasure him as an extra special blesssing from God.
Anyhow, I was so excited at his birth, and had just assumed others would be just as excited. I took him to Tennessee to show him off to a friend. She was very cruel...gave me a lecture about overpopulating the planet. I was very sad, but had thought she was unique in her thinking, only later to learn that most everyone either feels it is irresponsible to have more than two children for the wellbeing of our planet, or for the wellbeing of our other children. Lectures from my older sister and stepmother have been the most painful. I tell myself it is because they care about me, but deep down I grieve because they will never understand the treasure that these children are.
They are much more precious than the biggest house or bank account. And while we do struggle for space and paying bills, the Lord provides. We are so rich by the standards of the world. I just read that 80% of the world does not have basic necessities such as housing, food, education. We are so very blessed. We have a roof over our head with heat and air conditioning, access to a wonderful library, and food for every meal of the day plus snacks. And now to take some of the load off of me while I'm recovering my health, two of my children are in private school taught by a team of Christians who love and serve the Lord. God has been good to us and I feel that we have a responsibility to pass that goodness on to others.
I don't know what the future holds, but am very excited about a phone company my husband and his friend have started which has the potential to bring in income while we are overseas. For as long as I can remember, I've never felt comfortable in our culture where the goal is to have a certain "look" or accomplish a certain career status. When I was in Haiti, there was such a freedom from that mentality. There are so many needs, that what brand of clothing you are wearing is the furthest thing from anyone's mind. I have always wanted to return and work in an orphanage there. And now I have a friend who does exactly that. She adopted two children from an orphanage called House of Hope, and works diligently raising money and taking frequent trips to minister to the children there. Also, I have met people who have ministered in Romania and I feel a tug in my heart to go there. We have had an invitation to Hungary, and it didn't work out. Our missionary friends unexpectedly had to return home before we were able to go.
Anyhow, I'm identifying with Hannah in that she wanted to give her son back to the Lord. I feel that each of my children belong to the Lord, and that it's my responsibility to train them in His ways and to help them find Him. Everything else is secondary. It breaks my heart the point we are in now...my oldest daughter telling me I'm a joke, my second daughter grieving because there was one thing on her Christmas list that she didn't get, my son more interested in video games than anything else, my two year old watching junk on TV because I'm too bombarded with chemical exposures to be able to involve her in other activities, and my husband working himself into an early grave trying to meet the insane financial demands of our culture. I know it's time for a change. I'm excited about the possibilities of God using us as a family for His glory, and how it's going to change us to be closer to Him.
See, I've had it all wrong. I've been grieving because I've felt that me caring for my family has been keeping me from serving in the church. Also, the many chemical exposures in this area as well as the stress brought on by the disaproval of my extended family and peers have kept me in a bondage of sorts...paralyzed physically, emotionally, and even spiritually to the extent that I've allowed it. But now I can see opportunity for my whole family to serve in God's church as a unit, together, to further His kingdom and to bring him glory. Now is the time. I dedicate my children and my family to Him to use in his kingdom. Amen. |
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What a challenge it is today to be grateful! Shame on me! All is well circumstantially. And I do have peace from God. It's just that my energy is low and my body hurts all over again in response to all the activities and chemical exposures of this holiday week of visiting and spreading good cheer. I love the Lord and am so grateful that He came to earth to give us eternal life and hope.
I'm grieving because my extended family are all so hurtful to one another, but they don't intend to be. I pray that they will all learn to love one another in a way that is meaningful to them all. I especially pray for my one sister who can't quit crying because she feels so unloved by everyone including God. I know how that feels, and my heart breaks for her. I pray for my siblings who feel they need to avoid and punish my other sister for her unintentional hurtful actions toward them. I know how they feel. I used to be in their shoes. They can hardly believe that I of all people would be a friend to my sister. I just love her, that's all. And I love my other siblings too. That's why my heart feels like it is breaking. I pray that my siblings will find it in their hearts to forgive and reach out in compassion. My step mother is also hurting and causing much hurt. My prayer for her is for God to help her find what it is that she truly needs...that which will truly satisfy.
Christmas is a difficult time for me because my body/mind does not handle stress well. I'm recuperating. Being together just seems to cause everyone pain. My prayer is that God will strengthen me to deal with what comes my way and to be able to reach out to them in ways that honor and glorify Him.
So, with that said, what am I grateful for?
1. A God who heals relationships. 2. A few days with my older kids home to take care of the baby and allow me time to recuperate. 3. A God who meets my needs, allowing me to love my extended family unconditionally.
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I feel like I made a breakthrough today. I'm not sure what to attribute it to, but here are my thoughts:
(I'm recording these things so if I crash again, I'll be able to look back and see what I was doing when I pulled out of it before)
1. Better sleep: I ate a huge meal last night at a Christmas dinner party, and I didn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry as usual. I took 2 5htp capsules as well as 2 benadryl (for food allergies) before lying down so that may have also contributed to better sleep. Olivia slept the whole night in her own spot, and didn't wake me. Mike slept in a seperate room so his breathing problems wouldn't keep me awake.
2. No more pms....  Perhaps all I needed was to hang in there until there is a hormone shift.
3. Thinking on what is good: Per Mike's advice, I've been focusing on what I can do rather than the frustration I feel for what I can't do. Also, there is an emotional release that comes from being so suicidal that you realize that none of the stuff that is pushing you to the edge really matters. Mike said to try to see myself as God sees me. I burst into tears because I think God sees me as a lazy bum that isn't busy using the talents and gifts he's given me. That parable in the Bible stays in the forefront of my mind about the hard master that is angered by the servant that burried his coins rather than investing them. Mike said that God sees me as I will be for all eternity, where as I'm focused on the here and now. There is a time to heal, and God is in control of that. I always have anxiety over not knowing when to quit and when to keep pushing to keep going. Sometimes the simplist things can be so difficult. Anyhow, today I'm focused on what I can do....which was a lot more than most days. But I'll need to remember to be just as grateful on days that all I can do is snuggle with Olivia, and leave the amount of what I can do up to God.
4. Environment: The kids cleaned the house yesterday. It was painful for Philip and Heather because I've not been requiring them to do daily chores since they started school. They are out of practice. The air was emotionally charged. But, today, it is pure bliss for me to be in a clean house. It's very soothing. Maintaining it is much easier than sitting in a messy house unable to do anything about it due to being overwhelmed.
5. Meds: I've been taking my maximum dosage of hydrocortizone for the past two days. I've been afraid to take the maximum dosage because I thought it was interferring with sleep and increasing my appetite. I thought these were signs that I was taking more than I needed. But I read recently read that a normal, healthy, unstressed person requires 40mg of cortisol a day. I'm only taking 30. I'm still in pain physically, BUT mentally and emotionally I can tell a big difference, and I'm able to cope with the pain better. I've not been taking any other of my other supplements due to not thinking clearly until last night when I took the 5htp for sleep and benadryl for a reaction I was having (to peanuts I think). It makes me wonder if taking less is what I need. I'm going to make a list of everything I'm taking to my next appointment and ask Dr. Mac if there is anything there that I don't need or that could possibly be making me worse.
6. Pacing myself and staying organized: I've created a light schedule for myself to keep a sense of order until the holidays are over and we can get back to our usual routines.
7. Prayer: At cell group, Mary said that we have circles of influence. I've read about that concept before. She said that we are the best person to pray for ourselves. I can agree to an extent, but when I'm too confused to even participate in a conversation, I reach out and let others know I need God's intervention. I have no doubt that this is a huge contributing factor to being pulled out of that pit called depression.
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