Isaiah - 55.1. - as it appears in the Anglican Book of Common Prayer

Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and with out price. Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness. Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: so shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing, whereto I sent it. For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Just a note.

For the time being I will no longer be blogging.

If anyone wishes to keep in touch you may send me a message.

Perhaps I may blog again in time but for the time being I will remove my self from that.

- Jade

I don't know what to do...

How many times have I come to you saying that?

Lord, I don't know what to do...

I am tired. I am stressed. I hurt. And I don't know what to do. All I know what to do is work, work to stay alive but ironically if I keep this up it could send me over the edge.

Lord, I don't know what to do...

The only thing I know is at this moment to come to you. Running to your forever open arms for what little comfort my tired body and mind can receive at this moment...

But I am angry as well.

With you. With so many others...

Questions being fired at me, people looking down on me, and a husband who I no longer know how to relate to.

Why send this down on me?

I run to you, and yet I fight with you at the same time...

I am tired. Let me rest.

There seems to be no rest.

"No rest for the wicked" Is that what I am? Is this how you perceive me? I know I am not leading the kind of exemplary life that one would expect me to but I have no choice, please understand.

I am fighting the very real, the very scary survival mode that is threatening to kick in. The state that will take away what emotions and feelings I have left, something that will leave me cold and heartless, simply surviving...

Why send this upon me? Is this a test? Of my faith? Of how long I will stand by you trusting that you will provide for me? How can you provide for me? You aren't even here!

I am trying to trust in you, trust that there is a reason why my husband has no job, that I must work 60+ hours a week and sacrifice absolutely everything in order to survive... Perhaps survival mode has already kicked in, perhaps it is too late. Perhaps I deserve all this.

I have sinned. I have dark secrets. I have wronged people and hurt them tremendously. I have yet to truly forgive those who have hurt me deeply. Because of this, is this why you test me? Is this why I am tired, over worked and hurting?

Lord, what do I do? Where do I go? I run to you and yet I feel I am being pushed away. I want to feel your arms around me holding me assuring me there is a reason for this and my season of rest will come... I do not feel that assurance, I do not feel your loving arms.

I feel as a child, standing looking toward you wishing you would turn your head and see me, acknowledge me as I gently and quietly tug at the hem of your robe...

I want desperately to rest in you, please let me rest.

God, I am tired... Let me rest.

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I am asking for prayers at this moment because I simply do not know what to do...  

Today at 7pm EST Standard time I will participate in my first preformance in almost four years. I am thankful that the Lord placed a kind and caring person in my path to gently and eagarly point me back toward my love of music.

Today, I play my flute and I plan to continue playing in the future.

I thank the Lord for giving me this blessing....