Who Am I?

For each person that has known me during my life you would hear many different things

about who I was and what type of person that I was. Most of the things that you would

hear would not be good. I looked for happiness and love to fill a void inside of me for years

upon years. However, I always looked in the wrong places and ended up making myself

feel worse and worse. The more I looked, the more I done wrong, the worse I felt,

and the deeper I found myself in a hole that I could not get out of. I never had a self-confidence,

self-esteem, or any confidence in who I was or could become. So, again I searched in

the wrong things to fill that emptiness. All of this led to so much sin in my life and in return

I felt filthy, guilty, and ashamed. I got to the point that I didn't want to see anyone who knew

anything about my life. I just wanted to hide behind a mask, change my name, and crawl into

a hole and die.

When I was 21 years old my uncle came and preached at the church I went to. I prayed that

night and asked God to save me. For a long time afterwards I begin "trying" to change my life

and the things that I knew I should not do. Everytime I changed something small I thought, "Okay

I must saved because I am changing, I am a new creature in Christ."

For the past two months God has been dealing with me. Then about two weeks ago I begin to

have panic attacks and every sin in my life flashed through my mind day and night. I begin to

get aggitated and just wanted to be able to forget it all or die. I knew I could not just forget

it all so the shame was not going to go away. I begin thinking about suicide and trying to figure

out plans for my children etc. I just could not stand the guilt and shame anymore. But each

time I started making plans fear would overcome me. I kept thinking "What if I am not really

saved. What if I die and go to hell? What about my kids, who will raise them? What about

the pain I am going to cause to my family?" So, I would just crawl deeper into depression;

my panic attacks coming more severe to the point that I thought I was really going to die

and had to go to the emergency room.

Yesterday, November 21, 2007, I got saved. I realized that just because I had made decisions

to change certain things in my life and just said a prayer that it would not get me into heaven.

I realized that I had to surrender my whole life over to God. To trust in Him as my "personal"

Lord and Savior. I knew that He was my only hope and the only way for me to get to heaven.

I knew that once I made the decision to turn my life around - leave the path of my past - and

begin following Jesus on the path to heaven that would be when God would save me. So,

I gave my life to Jesus. My past is no longer remembered by God. Jesus has paid for all

of my sin. My sin no longer exist in God's eyes. He see's Jesus life when He looks at me.

I now must just take it day by day obeying God and following His instructions and be

obedient to Him. I must follow Him as my Lord and Savior because I now belong to Him.

I do believe that the Bible is the infalliable living word of God. But just believing the Bible

was not what saved me. Satan even believes the Bible. I had to give my life and surrender

everything to God and I must let Him mold and change me into who He wants me to be.

So, you ask who was I? Well I as a sinner that deserved hell.

So you ask who am I now? Well in God's eyes I am a saint. I am a child of God. I

am a servant to the Lord, Jesus Christ. I am a born again Christian. I am a baby in

Christ and hungry for the word of God so I can grow and mature as a Christian

servant, mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

My past is just that --- my past. God has forgiven and forgotten it. So who am I

to hang on to my past of guilt and shame? If the God of everything forgave me

and washed my sins away then I feel I should strive to forgive myself and let

go of the shame that kept me in fear for so long. Since I know I do not have the

strength to do that - I know that I am weak - but He is strong - so, I give it all

over to Jesus knowing that through Him all things are possible for He is my

strength!

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

Romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus

Christ our Lord.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever

believes in Him shall have everlasting life.

John 3:17

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the

world through Him might be saved.

John 8:32

And you shall know the truth, and the truth will "make" you free.

John 8:36

If the Son therefore shall "make" you free, ye shall be free indeed.